dotdotdotcomma.com F1 news http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/ Sub-editor http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/ subeditor@dotdotdotcomma.com Copyright 2021, dotdotdotcomma.com http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/favicon.ico http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/images/logo_small.jpg 2021-05-26T19:29:25Z We apologise for the inconvenience..., We apologise for the inconvenience...,
*Tap tap*

*Pffft*

Is this thing on?

I'm not sure I really trust speech recognition.

Me neither, mate.

No. Well... OK...

Er... hello everybody. How's things? We, er, we... that is to say, Virgil and I, just thought we ought to let you know that we've just popped out for a spot of lunch...

Er, haven't we...?

Yes, I think we have.

Yes, so, if you could just excuse us...

Yes, do excuse us.

...and we'll be back in a short while...

Won't we?

Oh yes, I should think so.

Yes, so, er, thank you. See you in a bit.

I say, would you like another drink?

Oh, rather.

What would you like?

Oh, I don't know... Hey, waiter! Bring me volume three of the wine list...

*Click*]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1488 2021-05-26T19:15:14Z 2021-05-26T19:15:14Z Chinese Grand Prix: MP4-31 'provisionally fit' to race Chinese Grand Prix: MP4-31 'provisionally fit' to race
The McLap'em1 car, which only just managed to outpace the hapless MotherRussia2 in 2015 through being driven by infinitely more championship-winning drivers, faces further tests before being given the full go-ahead.

"This car is sick," said one of its drivers, a Bunsen Jet-On3, 36, of Frome, "and I don't mean in the good way like what the young people say these days, dig?"

When asked whether he was looking forward to getting back into the car for practice, other driver, one Fernando ALongTimeSinceHisLastChampionship4 said "Don't make me laugh."

"No, seriously - don't," he added. "It hurts when I laugh."

The car of the quite interesting British squad, 50, will be given a second check-up after taking part in first practice on Friday.

Governing body the FIEh?5 took six hours to make this decision after testing the MP4-31 on Thursday.

"We knew straight away it would be OK for the car to participate in FP1," said FIEh? Napoleon Jean Toad6, "but I do like to see Ron Serious7 squirm."


1McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
2Marussia: The second incarnation of Virgin Racing, re-branded to promote a Russian car maker
3Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.
4Fernando Alonso: Youngest ever F1 double world champion, and rival for Nigel Mansell's Thickest Eyebrows In Motor-Racing title
5FIA: A bunch of lads who make up the rules for a weekend of motor-racing while down the pub on the Friday night.
6Jean Todt: The former Ferrari Napoleon
7Ron Dennis: McLaren big cheese and Arthur Daley of Formula 1.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1487 2016-04-14T12:29:11Z 2016-04-14T12:29:11Z F1 records update: on yer Vespa, Michael F1 records update: on yer Vespa, Michael Despite many attempts, the German never took the title of
Despite many attempts, the German never took the title of "Most mental podium celebration" away from Rubens Barrichello.
We're delighted to report, only several weeks late, that Lewisham Hilton1 has finally wrested the Monza Trackmeister™ title from that darling of the tifosi, Mike Cobbler2.

Although Lewisham only has 3 wins at the Italian cheer-kweet to Cobbler's 5, thanks to the unique way in which dotdotdotcomma's Trackmeister™ records are calculated, his impressive tally of 4 poles and 4 fastèst laps brings his total number of Trackmeister™ records to 11, thoroughly annihilating the German's mere 10.

Got a problem with that, Fritz/Giuseppe? Bite us.





#keepfightingmichael



1Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
2Michael Schumacher: Herman who cheated his way to his first championship and never looked back. Noted for refusing to race with a comparably talented team-mate.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1486 2015-10-03T17:08:40Z 2015-10-03T17:08:40Z Sober's Monisha Alpenhorn wary of F1 manufacturer tie-up Sober's Monisha Alpenhorn wary of F1 manufacturer tie-up 1 Formula 1 team principal Monisha Alpenhorn2 says her team must be cautious about pursuing a potential future tie-up with a manufacturer.

The independent Swiss team was sold to LBW3 in 2005, racing imaginatively as LBW Sober between 2006 and '09 and winning the Canadian Grand Prix with Rubiks Kubica4 in '08, when it finished third in the constructors' championship, in case you'd understandably forgotten who they were. The team's future was cast into doubt when the German manufacturer pulled out of F1, before being saved when it was sold back to founder Peter Sober.

Sober was among the initial candidates for a potential Dunno5 buyout earlier this year, and while Alpenhorn said the team would like to have a partner again, the positives of a deal would have to be weighed up against the negatives.

"It has a lot of positives, but one has to be always very cautious with engine manufacturers and becoming a works team," we overheard Alpenhorn telling Autosprout. "A partnership like that makes you stronger, but there can be negatives. Still, we have contracts in place for next season."

The beneficiaries of those contracts are Unda6, Mercredi7 and an as-yet-unnamed french manufacturer.

The court case begins next week.


1Sauber: Thoroughly interesting Swiss-based F1 team, failing to remain neutral as the Ferrari junior squad.
2Monisha Kaltenborn: F1's first lady team principal.
3BMW: German car manufacturer, whose products never seem to be fitted with working indicators. Technical partner to the Williams F1 team.
4Robert Kubica: Polish and/or Austrian driver in the F3 Euroseries
5Renault: french automobile marque now with its own F1 team, fingers in many other quiches; also one engine supplier to F3
6Honda: Japanese theme park and motor-racing circuit owners that make cars and bikes with famously reliable engines on the side
7Mercedes-Benz: German car manufacturer with a glorious F1 history, now partner to McLaren.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1485 2015-08-19T15:44:15Z 2015-08-19T15:44:15Z Bunsen Jet-on burgled on holiday Bunsen Jet-on burgled on holiday 1 and his wife Jessica are said to be "unsurprisingly shaken" after their Saint-Tropez villa was burgled.

The couple had been holidaying with friends at a rented villa in the french resort when thieves broke into the property and stole a number of belongings while everyone was asleep.

Among the items taken was the engagement ring that Jet-on gave Jessica in 2014, when he was on £12m a year at McLap'em2. The ring, which police say is insured for around £250,000, has huge sentimental value and Jessica is said to be extremely upset, particularly after learning how far its value is from the traditional "one month's salary".

It is understood that the thieves also made off with a necklace, some earrings and a Gucci sunglasses case, which Jessica uses as a handy travel container for her entire collection of underwear. Honestly, she'll catch her death, that one.

The thieves had attempted to steal Jet-on's McLap'em 540C road car, fitted with a prototype Unda3 power unit, but the engine shut down after 500 yards and the thieves abandoned the car to continue their getaway on foot, keeping their balaclavas on to avoid having to talk to the press about how disappointing their season has been.


1Jenson Button: F1 driver. English bloke. Alleged future world champion. Likes the ladies.
2McLaren: They're the team in grey - they're just the team at C&A...,
3Honda: Japanese theme park and motor-racing circuit owners that make cars and bikes with famously reliable engines on the side
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1484 2015-08-07T14:16:31Z 2015-08-07T14:16:31Z Homeboy open to closed cockpits in F1 Homeboy open to closed cockpits in F1 1 says that he is not ruling out the idea of closed cockpits, in the wake of calls for the sport to reconsider its safety.

"I'm open to the idea of closed cockpits," said Homeboy, "but that's not to say I'm closed to the idea of open cockpits.

"I'd like to keep all my options, um, ajar."


1Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1483 2015-07-24T14:01:31Z 2015-07-24T14:01:31Z Lewisham Hilton turned away from Centre Court at Wimbledon Lewisham Hilton turned away from Centre Court at Wimbledon 1, was turned away from Wimbledon's centre court on Sunday because he did not adhere to the Lawn Tennis Association's dress code. Hamilton was invited to the Royal Box to watch the Wimbledon men's singles final on Sunday between two blokes we really don't care about.

Gentlemen invited into the royal box are expected to wear a jacket, tie and shoes. A Wimbledon spokesman confirmed that Hilton had been due to attend the match, but would not comment on the reason he had not done so. The spokesman said: "All I can say is that he was instructed to wear a jacket, tie and shoes. Perhaps we should have been more careful in specifying that this requirement was not meant to be exclusive.

"That's an image I won't forget in a hurry," he added.


1Lewis Hamilton: The most successful F1 rookie, like, ever. Comes from Stevenage. Lives in Switzerland. Nuff sed.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1482 2015-07-13T11:39:23Z 2015-07-13T11:39:23Z Arrivabuses insisted 2015 Ferrarsi designed to suit Kimi Arrivabuses insisted 2015 Ferrarsi designed to suit Kimi 1 team principal Maurizio Arrivabuses2 says he asked the cruderia's design team to build a 2015 Formula 1 car that would suit Kimberli Clarkkinen3.

The 35-year-old Flying Finn™ endured the worst season of his F1 career in 2014 - a career that had included a season with Sober4.

Raikkonen, who was Ferrari's last world champion back in 2007, found the F14T - the car with the codename that cunningly looks like the word "flat" - did not suit his driving style, but has been much happier with the this year's car and scored his first podium since the 2013 Korean Grand Prix last time out in Bahrain.

The Ferrarsi F15T - whose codename is much more, ahem, thrusting - now sports a pit-to-car radio that the driver can either turn off entirely or flick a switch that converts normal speech into indecipherable mumbling. Other features include a mini-bar and a driver air-bag in the shape of a dolphin. In all other respects it is just like every other Ferrarsi F1 car of the modern era in that it is (a) red, and (2) ugly as fuck.



Can any of our reader think of any other ways in which Kimi's Ferrarsi might have been designed to meet his particular needs? Let us know by twerking us on @dotdotdotcomma using the hashbrown #F15Ting4Kimi.


1Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
2Maurizio Arrivabene: Ferrarsi team principal who looks like an extra from the Sopranos.
3Kimi Raikkonen: The once and future Flying Finn™
4Sauber: Thoroughly interesting Swiss-based F1 team, failing to remain neutral as the Ferrari junior squad.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1481 2015-04-29T13:37:21Z 2015-04-29T13:37:21Z Italy responds to Ecclescake 'a bit like Germany' slur Italy responds to Ecclescake 'a bit like Germany' slur 1's claim that Italy is "a bit like Germany".

"We're nothing like Germany," insisted the ACI's spokesman Gian-Maria Portavoce.

"No, momento, we're quite a lot like Germany," he added moments later. "Only we're nothing like them."

"Eh, mierde, ci arrendiamo."



* Not Ferrarsi2 apparently. Who knew?



1Bernie Ecclestone: The Yoda of F1.
2Ferrari: A bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1480 2015-04-20T13:13:45Z 2015-04-20T13:13:45Z Malaysian GP: practice update Malaysian GP: practice update 1 F1 team has requested a clarification of earlier reports from the first practice session in Malaysia that their driver Roberto Mierda2 "completed his first lap after 13 minutes".

They are keen to point out that the Spaniard finished his lap 13 minutes after the session started, not 13 minutes after he left the pits.

Although it wasn't actually that far off.


1Manor: British team with fingers in many single-seater disciplines, now including F1.
2Roberto Merhi: Spanish driver and first winner of FIA International F3 Trophy
]]> http://www.dotdotdotcomma.com/motorsport/f1/news/1479 2015-03-27T14:03:36Z 2015-03-27T14:03:36Z