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DRINK-A-LONG-A-GRAND-PRIX - 2001 EDITION - VERSION 2.2
THE RULES

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The Rules
1.	What Is Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix?
1.1.	Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix is a simple game which combines ITV's coverage of a Formula 1 Grand Prix with copious quantities of alcohol.

2.	What Is The Object Of The Game?
2.1.	The object of the game is to get blind drunk.

3.	What Do I Need?
3.1.	You will need: • A television tuned to ITV's F1 coverage or playing a video of the same • "Straight" pint glasses • Copious quantities of beer of not less than 4% ABV • Plenty of snacks • Champagne or equiv • A timing device of some sort (qualifying only)

4.	How Do I Play?
4.1.	As the now legendary Murray Walker says: anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does.
4.2.	Some of these things can happen with a reasonable degree of certainty. Others are very unlikely to happen, but it would be rather amusing if they did.
4.3.	In DALA-GP these things are called "Incidents". During play, participants mark Incidents by paying tribute to the wisdom of Murray Walker¹. When an incident is witnessed by one or more of the players, each player (whether or not they themselves witnessed the actual incident) must consume sufficient beer from their glass to reduce the level of beer by the width of the player's drinking-hand index finger.
4.4.	In order that momentum is not lost, a wide range of Incidents are defined to apply throughout ITV's qualifying and race coverage, including the pre-race build-up, post-race punditry and advertisement breaks.
4.5.	An Incident only incurs a penalty the first time it is shown in the broadcast (except adverts which are honoured each time they are shown).
SMALL PRINT An Incident must be honoured when:
	• it occurs live on screen • it is shown for the first time as a replay because the idiot foreign director missed it first time around
An Incident must not be honoured when:
	• it is shown as part of a punditry discussion or in reportage • it is shown in a replay having already been properly honoured

4.6.	Exceptions to the one-finger penalty are as follows:
	• when a joker is played; • bonuses.

4.7.	Drinking is only permitted in response to an official FIA-registered² Incident (except during Free Practice Sessions). A full list of official Incidents is shown on the attached Official FIA Schedule of Incidents, divided into four categories as follows.

5.	Cliché Incidents
5.1.	Cliché Incidents occur when a commentator or pundit uses a particular hackneyed or humorous word or phrase to describe a person or thing. Words or phrases in quotes should be verbatim, although minor variations may be permitted by majority consent.

6.	Commentary and Punditry Incidents

7.	Bonuses & free practice sessions
7.1.	These rules are doing a Toyota for 2001.

8.	Playing The Joker
8.1.	Players may elect to sponsor their favourite team and its drivers. Sponsorships must be made by all players or by none at all. It is best practice for each player to sponsor a different team. Teams to be sponsored must be declared before the start of the game. Totems (including baseball caps, clothing, flags, models, etc.) must be displayed if available.
8.2.	Playing jokers has the effect that throughout the ITV coverage, where an Incident applies to a sponsor's team or its drivers, the usual penalty must be doubled for that player.
8.3.	It is strongly advised that no-one sponsors Ferrari. Not only is this anti-social, but it could be dangerous.

¹This applies even in the absence of Murray from the commentary squad.
² Federation Internationale de l'Alcosport

DRINK-A-LONG-A-GRAND-PRIX - 2001 EDITION - VERSION 2.2
THE RULES

Clichés

Driver Clichés
M.Schumacher		"triple/3 x world champion"
Barrichello		"likeable"
Hakkinen		"king of qualifying"
Coulthard		"Twynholm in Scotland"
R.Schumacher		"brother"
Montoya		"Colombian"
Fisichella		"Roman"
Button		"character-building"
[Frentzen		"Harry-Heinz"]
Trulli		any pun on "truly"
Zonta
Villeneuve
Panis
Heidfeld
Raikkonen		lack of racing experience
Irvine		"Ulsterman"
de la Rosa		"Spaniard"
Verstappen		"Jos the Boss"
Bernoldi		pronounced "on-reekie"

Alonso		"Spaniard"
Marques		Pronounced "markwess"
Alesi		"experienced", "veteran", etc.
Burti		"Brazilian"

Team Clichés
Ferrari		"the Maranello concern"
McLaren		"silver arrows"
Williams		"the Grove concern"
Benetton		innovative 111-degree engine
Jordan		"Silverstone"
BAR		reference to internal politics
Sauber		"Swiss"
Jaguar		"leaping cat"
Arrows		"rejuvenated"
Minardi		"Faenza"
Prost		any positive comment

Tyre Clichés
Bridgestone		hold up well in race conditions
Michelin		go off quickly and then improve

Other Personality Clichés
Ayrton Senna		"The late, great..."
Bernie Ecclestone		"Formula 1 Supremo..."
Ross Brawn		"Master tactician..."

Circuit Clichés
Melbourne		lake
Sepang		sets the standard
Interlagos		bumpy
Imola		"variante alta...top of the circuit"
Barcelona		poorly attended
A1 Ring		Brambilla crash celebrating win
Monte Carlo		tight & twisty
Montreal		Island
Nurburgring		not as good as the old circuit
Magny-Cours		Smooth
Silverstone		Northamptonshire
Hockenheim		compromise set-up
Hungaroring		go-kart track
Spa		changeable weather
Monza		"historic" or "banking"
Indianapolis		bricks
Suzuka		Ferris wheel

Punditry
Commentators' Favourite Jargon
• "rooster tails"
• "sea of red"
• "tyre war"
• "new boots" / "new set of boots"
• "fall(ing) off the track"
• "sandbagging"
• "tumbling lap times"
• "stunning sector time"
• "all of the track and more"
• "line astern"

Murrayisms
• "Anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does"
• "'F1' is 'if' backwards"
• "Regenmaster" or "rainmeister" (but not "regenmeister" or "rainmaster")
• "Heeeeeere's Rubens!"
• "See...visually"
• "If that isn't...I'm a chinaman"
• "Fastèst"

Brundleisms
• "in the zone"
• "the sharp end of the grid"

DRINK-A-LONG-A-GRAND-PRIX - 2001 EDITION - VERSION 2.2
THE RULES

Goodmanisms
• "Bad luck, (insert hapless driver's name here)"

Allenisms
• "Folks"
• Using "P(x)" for a position
• "Max out"
• "Guys"
• "in the sweet spot"
• "monstering"
• any really hackneyed cliché by unanimous consent

Rosenthalisms
• "so ten out of ten for (insert winning driver's name here)"

Other Punditry Incidents
General:
• Martin corrects Murray
• Murray corrects himself
• Use of the words "fanatical" and "tifosi" in the same sentence
• Someone excitedly reports that smoke from a car is a blown engine and then realises it was a wheel locking up
• Cut to driver's wife or girlfriend
• Reference to a driver living in Monaco
• Murray jinxes someone
• Interview with British driver, team owner/principal, designer or engineer
• Use of the phrase "for sure" by a foreign driver
• Mention of track or ambient temperature
• Comment that gravel and/or mud will be spread over the track from the sidepods next time a recently off-roaded car brakes

Qualifying:
• Murray gets confused between "slower" and "faster" on a sector time
• Commentators discuss the teams getting the timing of their last lap just right to start it before the chequered flag
• Use of the phrase "hooked up"
Race:
• Discussion of whether tyres to be fitted in a pitstop are new or scrubbed

Action

General

• A driver retires or has an irreparable crash

• A change in weather conditions

• Inappropriate driver gesture captured in slow motion

• An umbrella or other non-motor-racing item on the circuit. Or a spectator.

• A driver gets a lift back to the pits on a scooter

• A driver has to use the spare car

• Team-mates collide

• A car rejoins the track after going seriously (all four wheels) off-road

Qualifying

• All players incur a one-finger penalty for every minute completed before the first car comes out.

• A Prost, Arrows or Minardi is first out

• A "home" driver is first out

• Session stopped

• A change in the driver on provisional pole

• A driver runs back to the pits with his helmet on

• Car called in by the scrutineers

• Driver fails to qualify

The Gridwalk

• Interview with Bernie Ecclestone

• Interview with the pole-sitter

• Interview with someone who clearly doesn't know what the fuck is going on

• Someone refuses an interview

• Someone attacks or irritates Martin, or steals something of his

Formation Lap

• A car stalls on the grid, or is slow away so that it is overtaken

• Commentators discuss whether wiggling the car warms up the tyres

• Commentators discuss whether overtaking is allowed on the formation lap

• Driver who had failed to qualify is allowed to start by the stewards

DRINK-A-LONG-A-GRAND-PRIX - 2001 EDITION - VERSION 2.2
THE RULES

Racing Incidents
SMALL PRINT: the race is on from the first red light going on until the winner climbs out of the car in parc fermé.
• Stall on the grid
• Overtaking for position on the track - live on camera only - after the first corner
• Stall in a pitstop
• Safety car comes in
• Safety car goes out
• Driver takes a stop/go penalty
• Winner swerves over to the pitwall to acknowledge his team
• A team fucks up a pitstop

Post-Race
• A trophy is presented by someone you've heard of
• Mika Hakkinen makes a wry comment in the press conference
• A driver or team is placed under investigation for an alleged breach of the rules

Advertisement Break
• An advert for a car linked to an F1 team (Fiat, Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW, Renault, Honda, Ford, Jaguar)
• An advert for Michelin or Bridgestone tyres
• An advert featuring a current or past F1 driver
• An advert featuring F1 imagery
• An advert for a brand of alcoholic beverage being used by any of the players