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Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix (2004 Edition - Version 1.3)
The Rules

What Is Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix?
Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix is a simple game which combines ITV's coverage of a Formula 1 Grand Prix with copious quantities of alcohol.

What Is The Object Of The Game?
The object of the game is to get blind drunk.

What Do I Need?
A television tuned to ITV's F1 coverage or playing a video of the same
"Straight" pint glasses
Copious quantities of beer of not less than 4% ABV
Plenty of snacks
Champagne or equiv

How Do I Play?
As the now legendary Murray Walker used to say: anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does.
Some of these things can happen with a reasonable degree of certainty. Others are very unlikely to happen, but it would be rather amusing if they did.
In DALA-GP such things are called "Incidents". During play, participants mark Incidents by paying tribute to the wisdom of Murray Walker[1]. When an Incident occurs and is witnessed by one or more of the players, each player (whether or not they themselves witnessed the actual Incident) must consume sufficient beer from their glass to reduce the level of beer by the width of the player's drinking-hand index finger.
An Incident only incurs a penalty the first time it is shown in the broadcast.
SMALL PRINT
An Incident must be honoured when:
it occurs live on screen
it is shown for the first time as a replay because the idiot foreign director missed it first time around
An Incident must not be honoured when:
it is shown as part of a punditry discussion or in reportage
it is shown in a replay having already been properly honoured
Exceptions to the one-finger penalty are as follows:
when a joker is played;
bonuses and other phenomena.
Drinking is only permitted in response to an official FIA[2]-registered Incident (except during Free Practice Sessions). A full list of such Incidents is given below, divided into four categories: Clichés, Punditry, Action and Adverts.
In order that momentum is not lost, a wide range of Incidents are defined to apply throughout ITV's race coverage, including the pre-race build-up, post-race punditry and advertisement breaks. DALA-GP can even be enjoyed during ITV's Christmas Special.

Playing The Joker
Players may elect to sponsor their favourite team and its drivers. Sponsorships must be made by all players or by none at all. It is best practice for each player to sponsor a different team. Teams to be sponsored must be declared before the start of the game. Totems (including baseball caps, clothing, flags, models, etc.) must be displayed if available.
Playing jokers has the effect that throughout the ITV coverage, where an Incident applies to a sponsor's team or its drivers, the usual penalty must be doubled for that player.
It is strongly advised that no-one sponsors Ferrari. Not only is this anti-social but it could be dangerous.

Official FIA Schedule of Incidents

Clichés

Cliché Incidents occur when a commentator or pundit uses a particular hackneyed or humorous word or phrase to describe a driver, team or circuit. Words or phrases in quotes must be verbatim.
Driver clichés
M.Schumachersix-time world champion
Barrichellofamily man
Buttonteam leader
Satocourageous
Fernando Alonso"Spaniard"
Trullione-lap specialist
Montoya"Colombian"
R.Schumacher"brother"
Raikkonen"flying Finn"
Coulthardtrying to find a competitive drive for 2005
Heidfeldspeculation about where he will be in 2005
Pantanoany mention at all, other than when listing grid or finishing positions
Fisichella"Roman"
Massafast but wild
Webbermention of his exceptional fitness
Klienearring
Panis"experienced" or other similar ageist euphemism
Cristiano da Matta"Brazilian"
BaumgartnerHungarian
Bruniany mention at all, other than when listing grid or finishing positions
 
Team clichés
Ferrari"dream team"
McLaren"silver arrows"
Williams"the Grove concern"
Sauber"Swiss"
Jordan"Silverstone"
BARvast improvement since last year
Renaultfast-starting
Jaguarlooking for a buyer
Minardi"Faenza"
Toyotahave always eventually succeeded in every branch of motor sport they have tackled
 
Former drivers and other personalities
Ayrton Senna"The late, great...,"
Bernie Ecclestone"Formula 1 Supremo...,"
Ross Brawn"Master tactician...,"
 
Tyre clichés
Bridgestonehold up well in race conditions
Michelingo off quickly and then improve
 
Circuit clichés
Melbournefour seasons in one day
Sepangsets the standard
Bahrainfriendly locals
Imola"variante alta...,top of the circuit"
Barcelonamuch better attended now that Alonso is in F1
Monte Carlotight and twisty
Nurburgringnot as good as the old circuit
Montrealisland
Indianapolisbricks
Magny-Courssmooth
SilverstoneNorthamptonshire
Hockenheimcompromise set-up
Hungaroringgo-kart track
Spachangeable weather
Monza"historic" or "banking"
Shanghainever-ending first corner
SuzukaFerris wheel
Interlagosbumpy

Punditry
Commentators' favourite jargon
"rooster tails"
"sea of red"
"tyre war"
"new boots"/"new set of boots"
"fall(ing) off the track"
"sandbagging"
"tumbling lap times"
"stunning sector time"
"all of the track and more"
"set the [track/qualifying session] alight"
"the first to blink" [i.e. pit]
"run and hide"
"keeping someone honest"
"torrid"
"out of sequence"
"throw out the anchors", i.e. brakes
"the F1 circus"
"annex the front row"
"front-row lock-out"
"expensive" of a pit-stop, meaning "time-consuming"
"free pit-stop", e.g. under the safety car
"make it stick"

Murrayisms
(In Murray's continued lamented absence, a penalty must be taken if any of the following is heard during a review of a race on which He commentated, and a double penalty is invoked if any of these clichés are uttered by any other commentator or pundit.)
"Anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does"
"F1 is 'if' (spelled) backwards"
"regenmaster" or "rainmeister" (but not "regenmeister" or "rainmaster")
"Heeeeeere's Rubens!"
"see...,visually"
"If that isn't...,I'm a Chinaman"
"fastèst"

Allenisms
"folks"
using "P(x)" for a position
"max out"
"guys"
"in the sweet spot"
"monstering"
"straightaway" instead of "straight"
"crawling all over the back of"
"race leader Michael Schumacher"
any really hackneyed cliché by unanimous consent
any nauseating fawning over Michael Schumacher by unanimous consent
"cut the tape" (at the end of a sector)
"Thanks, Jim. Afternoon, everybody."
failing to round up, e.g. describing 0.397s as "just over three tenths."
"in the mix"
"old-stager", i.e. old hand
tells us that you need x seconds "in your pocket" to make a pit-stop and maintain your position
tells us how much time 10kg of fuel costs in lap time
(Advanced players may also choose to take a penalty for any words or phrases from the James Allen Phrase Book)

Brundleisms
"in the zone"
"the sharp end of the grid"
"keeping a watching brief" instead of "unable to overtake"
"armful(s) of opposite lock"
"line of least resistance"
"confidence lift"
"catapult out of a corner"
"do a wall of death", i.e. go round the outside of a corner
"give/giving it plenty"
"pump(ing) in" a fast lap/sector time
"run out of road"
"rear gunner", i.e. a driver who helps his team-mate
"get out of the throttle"
"he's got the car underneath him."
"give [someone] a hurry-up"
"fat on fuel"
"save" (as a noun), e.g. "save of the day" or "great save"
"retardation"
"In F1 you're always either giving pressure or taking it"
"from the get-go", i.e. "from the start"
"kiss the kerb"
"hustle the car [through a turn]"
"the best seat in the house" when an incident happens right in front of another driver
"get out of jail free card" (often used about large run-off areas, which allow recoveries from mistakes)
"hurry up and wait"
"give/giving it plenty"
talk about how water on your visor makes it look as if it's raining much more heavily than it really is

Goodmanisms
"Bad luck, [insert hapless driver's name here]"

Kravitzisms
"two thousand four" instead of "two thousand and four" (or any missing "and" in a number)

Rosenthalisms
"So, ten out of ten for [insert winning driver's name here]"
Jim congratulates you for getting up early
"x makes/making his point" when driver x scores 1 point
"Juan the man"
"Jag-you-are"
"Sure." in response to something Tony or Mark say

Blundellisms (with thanks to Planet-F1.com)
"Very much indeed, Jim."
inappropriate use of the word "what", e.g.
"Loyalty is not a word what's used around the paddock very much." or
"This is the value what Williams have seen in the guy."

Other punditry Incidents
Martin corrects James
use of the words "fanatical" and "tifosi" in the same sentence
someone excitedly reports that smoke from a car is a blown engine and then realises it was a wheel locking up
cut to driver's wife or girlfriend
reference to a driver living in Monaco
use of the phrase "for sure" by a foreign driver
mention of track or ambient temperature
talk about how fast/slow the parade lap is, according to whether the man on pole is on Michelins or Bridgestones
a time of 1:12.0 is called "a one-twelve flat"
a commentator talks about getting a lift on a driver's plane to or from the circuit

Action

General
a driver retires or has an irreparable crash
a change in weather conditions
inappropriate driver gesture captured in slow motion
an umbrella or other non-motor-racing item on the circuit, or a spectator
a driver gets a lift back to the pits on a scooter
a driver has to use the spare car
team-mates collide
a car rejoins the track after going seriously (all four wheels) off-road
comment that gravel and/or mud will be spread over the track from the sidepods next time a recently off-roaded car brakes
producer focuses excessively on an under-performing home team or driver
during a shot of the crowd, someone realises they're on TV and starts waving and pointing at the screen
a driver pronounces "circuit" as "seer-quit", in the style of the late, great Aye-air-ton Senna
a driver removes a tear-off as he exits the pits
a driver licks an earplug before inserting it
the FIA bans a new device as soon as another team complains about it, despite having previously cleared the device with the original team
a shot of Ross Brawn eating a banana

In The Pits
discussion of whether tyres to be fitted are new or scrubbed
a driver runs into or over one of his mechanics
a driver drags one or more mechanics with him as he leaves his pit

Qualifying
Since the advent of "one-shot" qualifying, this whole session has become immeasurably dull. It is recommended that players turn off the television and just go to the pub instead.

The Gridwalk
interview with Bernie Ecclestone
interview with the pole-sitter
interview with someone who clearly doesn't know what the fuck is going on
someone refuses an interview
someone attacks or irritates Martin, or steals something of his

Formation Lap
a car stalls on the grid, or is slow away so that it is overtaken
commentators discuss whether wiggling the car warms up the tyres
commentators discuss whether overtaking is allowed on the formation lap

Racing Incidents
SMALL PRINT
The race is on from the first red light going on until the winner climbs out of the car in parc fermé.
stall on the grid
overtaking for position on the track - live on camera only - after the first corner
stall in a pitstop
safety car goes out
safety car comes in
driver takes a stop/go penalty
winner swerves over to the pitwall to acknowledge his team
a team fucks up a pitstop
the T-car is set up for the wrong driver

Post-Race
a trophy is presented by someone you've heard of
a driver or team is placed under investigation for an alleged breach of the rules

Advertisement Break
an advert for a car linked to an F1 team (Fiat, Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW, Renault, Honda, Ford, Jaguar)
an advert for Michelin or Bridgestone tyres
an advert featuring a current or past F1 driver
an advert featuring F1 imagery
an advert for a brand of alcoholic beverage being used by any of the players
after the break: "James Allen and Martin Brundle [or Mark Blundell/some other poor sap] with you."

[1] This applies even in the absence of Murray from the commentary squad.
[2] Federation Internationale de l'Alcosport.