dotdotdotcomma.com: Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix 2005...,

1. What Is Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix?
i.	Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix is a simple game which combines ITV's coverage of a Formula 1 Grand Prix with copious quantities of alcohol.

2. What Is The Object Of The Game?
i.	The object of the game is to get blind drunk.

3. What Do I Need?
i.	A television tuned to ITV's F1 coverage or playing a video of the same
ii.	"Straight" pint glasses
iii.	Copious quantities of beer of not less than 4% ABV
iv.	Plenty of snacks
v.	Champagne or equiv

4. How Do I Play?
i.	As the now legendary Murray Walker used to say: anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does.
ii.	Some of these things can happen with a reasonable degree of certainty. Others are very unlikely to happen, but it would be rather amusing if they did.
iii.	In DALA-GP such things are called "Incidents". During play, participants mark Incidents by paying tribute to the wisdom of Murray Walker^[1]. When an Incident occurs and is witnessed by one or more of the players, each player (whether or not they themselves witnessed the actual Incident) must consume sufficient beer from their glass to reduce the level of beer by the width of the player's drinking-hand index finger.
iv.	An Incident only incurs a penalty the first time it is shown in the broadcast.
	SMALL PRINT An Incident must be honoured when: it occurs live on screen it is shown for the first time as a replay because the idiot foreign director missed it first time around An Incident must not be honoured when: it is shown as part of a punditry discussion or in reportage it is shown in a replay having already been properly honoured
v.	Exceptions to the one-finger penalty are as follows:
	a.	when a joker is played;
	b.	bonuses and other phenomena.
vi.	Drinking is only permitted in response to an official FIA^[2]-registered Incident. A full list of such Incidents is given below, divided into four categories: Clichés, Punditry, Action and Adverts.
vii.	In order that momentum is not lost, a wide range of Incidents are defined to apply throughout ITV's race coverage, including the pre-race build-up, post-race punditry and advertisement breaks. DALA-GP can even be enjoyed during ITV's Christmas Special.

5. Playing The Joker
i.	Players may elect to sponsor their favourite team and its drivers. Sponsorships must be made by all players or by none at all. It is best practice for each player to sponsor a different team. Teams to be sponsored must be declared before the start of the game. Totems (including baseball caps, clothing, flags, models, etc.) must be displayed if available.
ii.	Playing jokers has the effect that throughout the ITV coverage, where an Incident applies to a sponsor's team or its drivers, the usual penalty must be doubled for that player.
iii.	It is strongly advised that no-one sponsors Ferrari. Not only is this anti-social but it could be dangerous.

6. Selecting Your Level Of Play
i.	Following complaints from some of the less financially secure DALA-GP players, for 2005 the FIA has introduced new regulations aimed at making the game more accessible to players with less extensive resources. A new Concorde Agreement (the secret document by which DALA-GP is governed) is due to be signed in readiness for the 2008 season but in the interim, the following cost-cutting measures have been introduced. (For the purposes of this ruling, the masculine shall also denote the feminine and the singular shall also denote the plural).
ii.	Where a section includes a large number of penalties, those penalties have been grouped under the headings "front-runner", "mid-grid" and "back-marker". At the start of the game each player chooses one of these sets of rules and when play commences, he will observe the penalties specified in that set. He may choose at any time during the game to move up or down the field by selecting another category and from then on will observe the penalties specified in that new set of rules. A player is limited to four changes over the course of a race weekend.
iii.	It is recommended that beginners start off playing the "back-marker" rules and then move up to the "mid-grid" or "front-runner" category if it is felt that the game is not progressing quickly enough. Conversely, a player who starts the game in the "front-runner" or "mid-grid" category may begin to feel, after a number of penalties have been observed, that his initial choice was somewhat optimistic. At this point, he may drop down a level and continue play with fewer applicable penalties. When nominating a category, both prior to the start of the game and during actual play, players should always bear in mind that the object of the game is to get blind drunk (see section 2, subsection (i) above).

7. Official FIA Schedule of Incidents

i.	Clichés

	Cliché Incidents occur when a commentator or pundit uses a particular hackneyed or humorous word or phrase to describe a driver, team, circuit, etc. Words or phrases in quotes must be verbatim.

a.	Driver clichés
	M.Schumacher	seven-time world champion
	Barrichello	family man
	Button	smooth
	Sato	courageous
	Fernando Alonso	"Spaniard"
	Fisichella	"Roman"
	Webber	mention of his exceptional fitness
	Heidfeld	mention of Pizzonia
	Raikkonen	"flying Finn"
	Montoya	"Colombian"
	Villeneuve	former world champion
	Massa	fast but wild
	Coulthard	more relaxed than at McLaren
	Klien	earring
	Trulli	one-lap specialist
	R.Schumacher	"brother"
	Karthikeyan	mention of helmet colours controversy
	Monteiro	late-starter
	Albers	"Dutchman"
	Friesacher	any mention at all

b.	Team clichés
	Ferrari	"prancing horse"
	BAR	determined to win a race at all costs
	Renault	fast-starting
	Williams	"Grove"
	McLaren	"silver arrows"
	Sauber	Swiss/Switzerland
	Red Bull	"Jaguar"
	Toyota	"Cologne"
	Jordan	"Midland"
	Minardi	"minnows"

c.	Former drivers and other personalities
	Ayrton Senna	"The late, great...,"
	Bernie Ecclestone	"Formula 1 supremo...,"
	Ross Brawn	"Master tactician...,"

d.	Tyre clichés
	Bridgestone	graining
	Michelin	blistering

e.	Circuit clichés
	Melbourne	four seasons in one day
	Sepang	sets the standard
	Bahrain	friendly locals
	Imola	"variante alta...,top of the circuit"
	Barcelona	much better attended now that Alonso is in F1
	Monte Carlo	tight and twisty
	Nurburgring	not as good as the old circuit
	Montreal	island
	Indianapolis	bricks
	Magny-Cours	smooth
	Silverstone	Northamptonshire
	Hockenheim	compromise set-up
	Hungaroring	go-kart track
	Turkey	gradient
	Monza	"historic" or "banking"
	Spa	changeable weather
	Interlagos	bumpy
	Suzuka	Ferris wheel
	Shanghai	never-ending first corner

ii.	Punditry

	a.	Commentators' favourite jargon
	(Where a punditry Incident is associated with a named pundit (e.g. Brundleisms, Goodmanisms, etc.), that Incident shall invoke a penalty when the words are spoken by any pundit and the penalty is doubled if the words are spoken by someone who isn't even a pundit. For instance, if Martin Brundle uses the word "monstering", an Incident shall be deemed to have occurred and a penalty taken. The penalty is doubled if, for example, that Jay Kay bloke from Jamiroquai says it.)

	back-marker - just the Incidents listed below: "rooster tails" "sea of red" "tyre war" "new boots"/"new set of boots" "fall(ing) off the track" "sandbagging" "tumbling lap times" "stunning sector time" "all of the track and more"

	mid-grid - all back-marker Incidents plus the following: "set the [track/qualifying session] alight" "the first to blink" [i.e. pit] "run and hide" "keeping someone honest" "torrid" "out of sequence" "throw out the anchors", i.e. brakes

	front-runner - all back-marker and mid-grid Incidents plus the following: "the F1 circus" "annex the front row" "front-row lock-out" "expensive" of a pit-stop, meaning "time-consuming" "free pit-stop", e.g. under the safety car "make it stick"

	b.	Murrayisms
	(In Murray's continued lamented absence, a penalty must be taken if any of the following is heard during a review of a race on which He commentated, and a double penalty is invoked if any of these clichés are uttered by any other commentator or pundit.)

	"Anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does"
	"F1 is 'if' (spelled) backwards"
	"regenmaster" or "rainmeister" (but not "regenmeister" or "rainmaster")
	"Heeeeeere's Rubens!"
	"see...,visually"
	"If that isn't...,I'm a Chinaman"
	"fastèst"

	c.	Allenisms

	back-marker - just the Incidents listed below: "folks" using "P(x)" for a position "max out" "guys" "in the sweet spot" "monstering" "straightaway" instead of "straight" "crawling all over the back of"

	mid-grid - all back-marker Incidents plus the following: "race leader Michael Schumacher" any really hackneyed cliché by unanimous consent any nauseating fawning over Michael Schumacher by unanimous consent "cut the tape" (at the end of a sector) "Thanks, Jim. Afternoon, everybody." failing to round up, e.g. describing 0.397s as "just over three tenths."

	front-runner - all back-marker and mid-grid Incidents plus the following: "in the mix" "old-stager", i.e. old hand tells us that you need x seconds "in your pocket" to make a pit-stop and maintain your position tells us how much time 10kg of fuel costs in lap time (in addition, take a penalty for any words or phrases from the James Allen Phrase Book)

	d.	Brundleisms

	back-marker - just the Incidents listed below: "in the zone" "the sharp end of the grid" "keeping a watching brief" instead of "unable to overtake" "armful(s) of opposite lock" "line of least resistance" "confidence lift" "catapult out of a corner" "do a wall of death", i.e. go round the outside of a corner "give/giving it plenty"

	mid-grid - all back-marker Incidents plus the following: "pump(ing) in" a fast lap/sector time "run out of road" "rear gunner", i.e. a driver who helps his team-mate "get out of the throttle" "he's got the car underneath him." "give [someone] a hurry-up" "fat on fuel" "save" (as a noun), e.g. "save of the day" or "great save"

	front-runner - all back-marker and mid-grid Incidents plus the following: "retardation" "In F1 you're always either giving pressure or taking it" "from the get-go", i.e. "from the start" "kiss the kerb" "hustle the car [through a turn]" "the best seat in the house" when an incident happens right in front of another driver "get out of jail free card" (often used about large run-off areas, which allow recoveries from mistakes) "hurry up and wait" "give/giving it plenty" talk about how water on your visor makes it look as if it's raining much more heavily than it really is "v-max", i.e. top speed "hanging it out" "knock a corner [i.e. a wheel] off" "deliver up" (a good lap, etc.) "stand up in the seat", i.e. rise to the occasion "chasing the throttle" "take a bite out of", e.g. a barrier "ride the kerbs"

	e.	Goodmanisms
	"Bad luck, [insert hapless driver's name here]"
	a shot of her armful of bangles

	f.	Kravitzisms
	"two thousand five" instead of "two thousand and five" (or any missing "and" in a number)

	g.	Rosenthalisms
	"So, ten out of ten for [insert winning driver's name here]"
	Jim congratulates you for getting up early
	"x makes/making his point" when driver x scores 1 point
	"Juan the man"
	"Sure." in response to something Tony or Mark say
	"up close and personal"

	h.	Blundellisms (with thanks to Planet-F1.com)
	"Very much indeed, Jim."
	inappropriate use of the word "what", e.g.
	"Loyalty is not a word what's used around the paddock very much." or
	"This is the value what Williams have seen in the guy."

	i.	Other punditry Incidents
	Martin corrects James
	use of the words "fanatical" and "tifosi" in the same sentence
	someone excitedly reports that smoke from a car is a blown engine and then realises it was a wheel locking up
	cut to driver's wife or girlfriend
	reference to a driver living in Monaco
	use of the phrase "for sure" by a foreign driver
	mention of track or ambient temperature
	talk about how fast/slow the parade lap is, according to whether the man on pole is on Michelins or Bridgestones
	a time of 1:12.0 is called "a one-twelve flat"
	a commentator talks about getting a lift with a driver to or from the circuit

iii.	Action

	a.	Qualifying
		i.	Leaving aside the fact that they are not being fully televised, the new aggregate qualifying sessions are even more tedious than the "one-shot" session they have replaced. It is recommended that players turn off the television and just go to the pub instead.

	b.	The Gridwalk
		i.	interview with Bernie Ecclestone
		ii.	interview with the pole-sitter
		iii.	interview with someone who clearly doesn't know what the fuck is going on
		iv.	someone refuses an interview
		v.	someone attacks or irritates Martin, or steals something of his

	c.	Pre-Race
		i.	a driver has to use the spare car
		ii.	a driver licks an earplug before inserting it
		iii.	the FIA bans a new device as soon as another team complains about it, despite having previously cleared the device with the original team
		iv.	a driver pronounces "circuit" as "seer-quit", in the style of the late, great Aye-air-ton Senna
		v.	the T-car is set up for the wrong driver

	d.	Formation Lap
		i.	a car stalls on the grid, or is slow away so that it is overtaken
		ii.	commentators discuss whether wiggling the car warms up the tyres
		iii.	commentators discuss whether overtaking is allowed on the formation lap

	e.	In The Pits
		i.	a team fucks up a pitstop
		ii.	a driver runs into or over one of his mechanics
		iii.	a driver drags one or more mechanics with him as he leaves his pit
		iv.	a driver stalls
		v.	a driver removes a tear-off as he exits the pits, immediately after his visor has been cleaned

	f.	Racing Incidents
		SMALL PRINT The race is on from the first red light going on until the winner climbs out of the car in parc fermé.
		i.	stall on the grid
		ii.	overtaking for position on the track - live on camera only - after the first corner
		iii.	safety car goes out
		iv.	safety car comes in
		v.	driver takes a stop/go penalty
		vi.	a driver retires or has an irreparable crash
		vii.	a change in weather conditions
		viii.	inappropriate driver gesture captured in slow motion
		ix.	an umbrella or other non-motor-racing item on the circuit, or a spectator
		x.	a driver gets a lift back to the pits on a scooter
		xi.	team-mates collide
		xii.	a car rejoins the track after going seriously (all four wheels) off-road
		xiii.	comment that gravel and/or mud will be spread over the track from the sidepods next time a recently off-roaded car brakes
		xiv.	the producer focuses excessively on an under-performing home team or driver
		xv.	during a shot of the crowd, someone realises they're on TV and starts waving and pointing at the screen (one penalty per shot of the crowd, not one penalty per person waving and pointing at the screen, obviously)
		xvi.	a shot of Ross Brawn eating a banana
		xvii.	the winner swerves over to the pitwall to acknowledge his team

	g.	Post-Race
		i.	a trophy is presented by someone you've heard of
		ii.	a driver or team is placed under investigation for an alleged breach of the rules
		iii.	a trailer for some other sporting event, usually one that is "live and exclusive on ITV"

iv.	Advertisement Break

	a.	an advert for a car linked to an F1 team (Fiat, Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW, Renault, Honda)
	b.	an advert for Michelin or Bridgestone tyres
	c.	an advert featuring a current or past F1 driver
	d.	an advert featuring F1 imagery
	e.	an advert for a brand of alcoholic beverage being used by any of the players
	f.	after the break: "James Allen and Martin Brundle [or Mark Blundell/some other poor sap] with you."

[1] This applies even in the absence of Murray from the commentary squad.
[2] Federation Internationale de l'Alcosport.

	front-runner (all penalties apply)
	for experienced players and registered dipsomaniacs
	mid-grid (most penalties apply)
	for intermediate players and anyone who likes a few now and then
	back-marker (only the core penalties apply)
	for beginners and aunts who have a sherry at Christmas