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Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix (2008 Edition - Version 1.2)
The Rules (Front-Runner Level)

select your level of play (see section 6 below)

  • for experienced players and registered dipsomaniacs

  • for intermediate players and anyone who likes a few now and then

  • for beginners and aunts who have a sherry at Christmas

  1. What Is Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix?
    1. Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix is a simple game which combines ITV's coverage of a Formula 1 Grand Prix with copious quantities of alcohol.

  2. What Is The Object Of The Game?
    1. The object of the game is to get blind drunk.

  3. What Do I Need?
    1. A television tuned to ITV's F1 coverage or playing a recording of the same
    2. "Straight" pint glasses
    3. Copious quantities of beer of not less than 4% ABV
    4. Plenty of snacks
    5. Champagne or equiv

  4. How Do I Play?
    1. As the now legendary Murray Walker used to say: anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does.
    2. Some of these things can happen with a reasonable degree of certainty. Others are very unlikely to happen, but it would be rather amusing if they did.
    3. In DALA-GP such things are called "Incidents". During play, participants mark Incidents by paying tribute to the wisdom of Murray Walker[1]. When an Incident occurs and is witnessed by one or more of the players, each player (whether or not they themselves witnessed the actual Incident) must consume sufficient beer from their glass to reduce the level of beer by an amount equivalent to the width of the player's drinking-hand index finger.
    4. An Incident only incurs such a penalty the first time it is shown in the broadcast.
      1. Clarification regarding section 4(iv):
        1. An Incident must be honoured when:
          1. it occurs live on screen, or
          2. it is shown for the first time as a replay because the idiot local director missed it first time around.
        2. An Incident must not be honoured when:
          1. it is shown as part of a punditry discussion or in reportage, or
          2. it is shown in a replay having already been properly honoured.
      2. Amendment to the section 4(iv) clarification ("the clarification"):
        1. Players at "front-runner" level, in the interests of observing the section 2(i) imperative, may choose to interpret the use of the word "only" in section 4(iv) and "or" in the clarification loosely.
    5. Exceptions to the one-finger penalty are as follows:
      1. when a joker is played;
      2. bonuses and other phenomena.
    6. Drinking is only permitted in response to an official FIA[2]-registered Incident. A full list of such Incidents is given below, divided into four categories: Clichés, Punditry, Action and Advertisement Breaks.
    7. In order that momentum is not lost, a wide range of Incidents are defined to apply throughout ITV's race coverage, including the pre-race build-up, post-race punditry and advertisement breaks. DALA-GP can even be enjoyed during ITV's Christmas Special.

  5. Playing The Joker
    1. Players may elect to sponsor their favourite team and its drivers. Sponsorships must be made by all players or by none at all. It is best practice for each player to sponsor a different team. Teams to be sponsored must be declared before the start of the game. Totems (including baseball caps, clothing, flags, model cars, etc.) must be displayed if available.
    2. Playing jokers has the effect that throughout the ITV coverage, where an Incident applies to a sponsor's team or its drivers, the usual penalty must be doubled for that player.
    3. It is strongly advised that no-one sponsors Ferrari. Not only is this anti-social but it could be dangerous.

  6. Selecting Your Level Of Play
    1. The successful introduction in 2005 of measures designed to make the game more accessible to players with less extensive resources has led to these measures being carried over into this season's rules. A new Concorde Agreement (the secret document by which DALA-GP is governed) is due to be signed in readiness for the 2008 season but in the interim, the following cost-cutting measures shall apply. (For the purposes of this ruling, the masculine shall also denote the feminine and the singular shall also denote the plural).
    2. Where a section includes a large number of penalties, those penalties have been grouped under the headings "front-runner", "mid-grid" and "back-marker". At the start of the game each player chooses one of these sets of rules and when play commences, he will observe the penalties specified in that set. He may choose at any time during the game to move up or down the field by selecting another category and from then on will observe the penalties specified in that new set of rules. A player is limited to four changes over the course of a race weekend.
    3. It is recommended that beginners start off playing the "back-marker" rules and then move up to the "mid-grid" or "front-runner" category if it is felt that the game is not progressing quickly enough. Conversely, a player who starts the game in the "front-runner" or "mid-grid" category may begin to feel, after a number of penalties have been observed, that his initial choice was somewhat optimistic. At this point, he may drop down a level and continue play with fewer applicable penalties. When nominating a category, both prior to the start of the game and during actual play, players should always bear in mind that the object of the game is to get blind drunk (see section 2, subsection (i) above).

  7. Official FIA Schedule of Incidents

    1. Clichés

      Cliché Incidents occur when a commentator or pundit uses a particular hackneyed or humorous word or phrase to describe a driver, team, circuit, etc. Words or phrases in quotes must be verbatim.

      1. Driver clichés

        Alonsodouble world champion
        Barrichellomost experienced driver
        Bourdaismention of his multiple Champcar titles
        Buttonspeculation as to his future
        Coulthardmention of his retirement
        Hamiltonmention of his famous friends/girlfriend
        Heidfeld"quick Nick"
        Kovaleinen"flying Finn"
        Massapotential champion
        Nakajima"test driver"
        Raikkonen"flying Finn"
        Rosberglong-term commitment to Williams
        Sutilany mention at all
        Trullione-lap specialist
        Vettelcomparison with Schumacher
        Webbermention of his exceptional fitness

      2. Team clichés

        Ferrari"prancing horse"
        Force India"Jordan", "Midland" or "Spyker"
        Honda"Ross Brawn"
        McLaren"silver arrows"
        Red Bull"Mateschitz"
        Renaulthaven't forgotten how to win
        Super Agurifinancial worries
        Toro Rossobetter than Red Bull
        Toyotamuch improved

      3. Former drivers and other personalities

        Ayrton Senna"the late, great...,"
        Bernie Ecclestone"Formula 1 supremo...,"
        Damon Hill"BRDC president...,"
        Ross Brawn"Master tactician...,"
        Michael Schumacher"seven-time world champion...,"
        Vijay Mallaya"the Richard Branson of India"

      4. Circuit clichés

        Melbournefour seasons in one day
        Sepangwide but only one racing line
        Bahrainfriendly locals
        Barcelonamuch better attended now that Alonso is in F1
        Istanbul"turn eight"
        Monte Carlo"the streets of Monaco/Monte Carlo"
        Magny-Courswondering whether we'll be coming back next year (this has happened in 2007 and 2008, so far)
        Silverstone"fast" or "home of British motorsport", depending on how strictly the player wishes to observe the s.2(1) imperative (see above)
        Hockenheimmuch easier to set up for than the old circuit
        Hungaroringgo-kart track
        Valenciacomparison with Monte Carlo
        Spa-Francorchampsunpredictable weather
        Monza"historic" or "banking"
        Fuji"James Hunt" or "1976"
        Shanghainever-ending first corner

    2. Punditry

      1. Commentators' favourite jargon

        (Note that this jargon can appear at any time in the coverage. Where a punditry Incident is associated with a primary pundit [e.g. Brundleisms, Goodmanisms, etc.], that Incident shall invoke a penalty when the words are spoken by any pundit and the penalty is doubled if the words are spoken by someone who isn't even a pundit. For instance, if Martin Brundle uses the word "monstering", an Incident shall be deemed to have occurred and a penalty taken. The penalty is doubled if, for example, that Jay Kay bloke from Jamiroquai says it. Where no primary pundit is associated with a phrase, a penalty is always taken, regardless of who said it.)

        key word(s)primary punditphrase
        alight(none)"set the [track/qualifying session] alight"
        alive(none)team or driver is "coming alive"
        all(none)"all of the track and more"
        anchors(none)"throw out the anchors", i.e. brakes
        annex(none)"annex the front row"
        anythingMurray Walker"Anything can happen in Formula 1, and it usually does"
        armfulMartin Brundle"armful(s) of opposite lock"
        arriveMartin Brundlean "arrive and drive corner", i.e. quite a quick one
        attrition(none)"race of attrition"
        back foot(none)"on the back foot"
        banker(none)"a banker lap", i.e. a fairly slow, safe qualifying lap that should ensure a driver's progression to the next phase; c.f. sighter
        biteMartin Brundle"take a bite out of", e.g. a barrier
        blink(none)"the first to blink", i.e. pit
        bogey(none)"bogey circuit" i.e. where a driver usually performs badly
        boots(none)"new boots"/"new set of boots"
        bouncingMartin Brundle"bouncing off the rev-limiter"
        bragJames Allenone driver "has bragging rights" over another, i.e. he is faster
        briefMartin Brundle"keeping a watching brief", i.e. unable to overtake
        bubbleJames Allen"on the bubble", i.e. close to the qualifying knockout cut-off point
        carry(none)"carry immense speed through a corner"
        catapultMartin Brundle"catapult out of a corner"
        chasingMartin Brundle"chasing the throttle"
        ChinamanMurray Walker"If that isn't...,I'm a Chinaman"
        circus(none)"the F1 circus"
        clichéJames Allenany really hackneyed cliché by unanimous consent
        collect(none)"collect it up", i.e. correct a mistake
        collect(none)use of "collect" to mean "crash into"
        comfort(none)"comfort break"
        confidenceMartin Brundle"confidence lift"", i.e. a lack-of-confidence lift
        contention(none)"play(ed) himself into contention"
        cornerMartin Brundle"knock a corner [i.e. a wheel] off"
        costsJames Allentells us how much time each kilo of fuel costs in lap time
        crawlingJames Allen"crawling all over the back of"
        criticalMartin Brundle"critical phase"
        cycle(none)"put the tyres through a heat cycle", i.e. scrub them
        Dan DareMartin Brundle"a Dan Dare move", i.e. a brave one
        dayMark Blundell"at the end of the day"
        de-accelerationMark Blundell"de-acceleration"
        deliverMartin Brundle"deliver up" (a good lap, etc.)
        diagonalMartin Brundle"diagonal the straight"
        director(none)"race director, Charlie Whiting"
        dirty(none)"dirty air"
        dispatch(none)"dispatch", i.e. overtake
        dive(none)"dive" into the pits
        drop zone(none)"[a driver, usually Sebastien Bourdais] is in the drop zone", i.e. slower than he needs to be to go through to the next phase of qualifying
        dust(none)"kick up some dust"
        eight-ballJames Allena driver is "behind the eight-ball", i.e. "snookered", only in American
        eviction(none)"facing eviction", i.e. in the drop zone (q.v.)
        exactlySteve Rider"Exactly how important/crucial/etc. is [something]?"
        expensive(none)"expensive" of a pit-stop, meaning "time-consuming"
        fall(none)"fall(ing) off the track"
        fastest(none)"fastest of anybody", i.e. fastest
        fastest(none)fastest lap "of the race so far" or "of the grand prix so far"
        fastèstMurray Walker"fastèst"
        fatMartin Brundle"fat on fuel", i.e. heavy (see also "skinny")
        fiftyMartin Brundlereference to a lock-up turning a tyre into a "fifty-pence piece"
        flat(none)as in "exactly", e.g. a time of 1:12.0 is referred to as "a one-twelve flat"
        flying(none)"absolutely flying"
        folksJames Allen"folks"
        for sure(none)use of the phrase "for sure" by a foreign driver
        formulaSteve Rider"Formula One Grand Prix"
        free(none)"free pit-stop", e.g. under the safety car
        get-goMartin Brundle"from the get-go", i.e. "from the start"
        grand prixMartin Brundle"GRAND prix", i.e. stresses the "grand" in "grand prix", rather than the "prix", as most of the rest of us do
        grandee(none)"grandee team", i.e. old team, e.g. Ferrari, Williams
        guysJames Allen"guys"
        hammer(none)"put the hammer down"
        hangingMartin Brundle"hanging it out"
        haul(none)"haul of points"
        heeeeeere'sMurray Walker"Heeeeeere's Rubens!"
        helloJames Allen"Thank you, Steve. Hello, everyone."
        hero(none)"hero to zero" (see also "zero to hero")
        hintMartin Brundle"a hint of a lift"
        honest(none)"keeping someone honest"
        hooked(none)"hooked up"
        hurryMartin Brundle"hurry up and wait"
        hurry-upMartin Brundle"give [someone] a hurry-up"
        hustleMartin Brundle"hustle the car [through a turn]"
        ifMurray Walker"F1 is 'if' (spelled) backwards"
        -ingMark Blundellpronounces "-ing" as "-ink"
        inside(none)"send(ing) one up the inside"
        jailMartin Brundle"get out of jail free card" (often used about large run-off areas, which allow recoveries from mistakes)
        jump(none)"get the jump on [somebody]", i.e. get ahead of
        kartingMartin Brundle"taking the karting line" (esp. in the wet), i.e. around the outside of a corner, away from the apex, apparently
        kissMartin Brundle"kiss the kerb"
        knockings(none)"into the final knockings", i.e. the last few seconds
        length(none)"You'll always start accelerating out of the corner at least a car length ahead of the car behind."
        lock(none)"front-row lock-out"
        long(none)"long, sweeping corner"
        long(none)"long brake pedal"
        luckLouise Goodman"Bad luck, [insert hapless driver's name here]"
        luck(none)"you make your own luck"
        marbles(none)"marbles", i.e. small bits of tyre rubber left on the track
        maximise(none)"maximise" [drivers, engineers and commentators all say this]
        meat(none)"[driver] is the meat in a [team] sandwich", e.g. "Piquet is the meat in a Super Aguri sandwich"
        men(none)a corner or track that "sorts the men from the boys"
        mirrors(none)"[a driver or car] is filling his mirrors"
        mixJames Allen"in the mix"
        momentMark Blundell"at this moment in time" or "at this point in time"
        monsterJames Allen"monster" or "monstering"
        mugged(none)"mugged", i.e. overtaken
        nailMartin Brundle"nail the throttle"
        net(none)a commentator refers to a driver being in e.g. "a net sixth place" by dint of differently timed pit-stops
        office(none)"in the office", i.e. in the car
        old-stagerJames Allen"old-stager", i.e. old hand
        PJames Allenusing "P(x)" for a position
        painted(none)"painted to the road", i.e. handling very well
        parc fermé(none)"parc fermé conditions"
        peg(none)one driver "pegs" another, i.e. matches his lap time
        pillMartin Brundle"take/have a sensible pill"
        pits(none)"..., as into the pits comes...,"
        plate(none)"step(ping) up to the plate"
        plentyMartin Brundle"give/giving it plenty"
        pocketJames Allentells us that you need X seconds "in your pocket" to make a pit-stop and maintain your position
        point(none)"world championship point" (as distinct from any other point in F1)
        pole(none)"pole-sitter" - uncomfortable
        pressureMartin Brundle"In F1 you're always either giving pressure or taking it"
        pumpMartin Brundle"pump(ing) in" a fast lap/sector time
        pushMartin Brundle"He could almost get out and push it home"
        rainMurray Walker"regenmaster" or "rainmeister" (but not "regenmeister" or "rainmaster")
        rain dance(none)"[driver's name] will be doing a rain dance" when that driver has qualified badly
        ramp(none)"the track ramps up", i.e. gets quicker
        raw(none)"raw pace"
        rearMartin Brundle"rear gunner", i.e. a driver who helps his team-mate
        rearguard(none)"fighting a rearguard action"
        recover(none)"recover to the pits"
        reeling(none)"reeling in" the car in front
        reflectSteve RyderAsks a question like he's setting a GCSE Philosophy exam, e.g. "Reflect a little on...,", "Consider...,", "Evaluate...,"
        remaining(none)"sole remaining"
        repêchageMartin Brundle"repêchage", i.e. trying to get into the next round of qualifying, having set a time that's not good enough. Or something like that.
        resistanceMartin Brundle"line of least resistance"
        retardationMartin Brundle"retardation"
        revelling(none)"revelling in these conditions"
        rideMartin Brundle"ride the kerbs"
        roadMartin Brundle"run out of road"
        rooster(none)"rooster tails"
        roundJames Allenfailing to round up, e.g. describing 0.397s as "just over three tenths."
        round(none)"[a driver] rounds out the top ten"
        run(none)"run and hide"
        saveMartin Brundle"save" (as a noun), e.g. "save of the day" or "great save"
        SchumacherJames Allenany nauseating fawning over Michael Schumacher by unanimous consent
        sea(none)"sea of red"
        seatMartin Brundle"the best seat in the house" when an incident happens right in front of another driver
        seeMurray Walker"see...,visually"
        sequence(none)"out of sequence"
        sharpMartin Brundle"the sharp end of the grid"
        shirtMark Blundellsports a loud and/or revolting shirt
        shoot-out(none)"pole position shoot-out"
        shouldersMark Blundell"pressure on his shoulders"
        show(none)"in the show", i.e. through to the next session
        sighter(none)"a sighter lap", i.e. a fairly slow, safe qualifying lap that should ensure a driver's progression to the next phase; c.f. banker
        skinny(none)"skinny on fuel", i.e. light (see also "fat")
        skinny(none)a "skinny" wing, i.e. one producing low downforce
        spearMartin Brundle"spear off the track"
        specialist(none)a driver who has had one or two points finishes at a circuit over the last five years is described as "(something of a) [track name] specialist"
        spoil(none)one driver is "spoiling [another driver's] afternoon"
        stalks(none)drivers have "eyes on stalks" in the wet
        standMartin Brundle"stand up in the seat", i.e. rise to the occasion
        stellar(none)"stellar" lap-time
        stick(none)"make it stick"
        storyJames Allen"story of the race so far: ...,"
        straightJames Allen"straightaway" instead of "straight"
        stunning(none)"stunning sector time"
        super(none)"super-..." meaning "very"
        supremelyMartin Brundle"supremely fast"
        swap(none)a car "tries to swap ends", i.e. spin
        sweetJames Allen"in the sweet spot"
        sympathy(none)"go off in sympathy", i.e. follow a car off the track
        talkMark Blundell"there's a lot of talk down the pit-lane about [something]"
        tapeJames Allen"cut the tape" (at the end of a sector)
        tellTed Kravitz"And I'll tell you what"
        testament(none)"testament to the strength of the cars"
        thickMartin Brundle"the thick end of [a second]"
        thousandTed Kravitz"two thousand seven" instead of "two thousand and seven" (or any missing "and" in a number)
        throttleMartin Brundle"get out of the throttle"
        tifosi(none)"tifosi" if used in conjunction with "fanatical"
        topsy(none)"topsy-turvy" grid
        trading(none)"trading fastest laps"
        tuck(none)"tuck(ed) up behind"
        tumbling(none)"tumbling lap times"
        turn(none)"turn(ing) a lap"
        underneathMartin Brundle"he's got the car underneath him."
        v-max(none)"v-max", i.e. top speed
        veryMark Blundell"Very much indeed, Steve."
        visorMartin Brundletalk about how water on your visor makes it look as if it's raining much more heavily than it really is
        wallMartin Brundle"do a wall of death", i.e. go round the outside of a corner
        whatMark Blundellinappropriate use of the word "what", e.g. "Loyalty is not a word what's used around the paddock very much." or "This is the value what Williams have seen in the guy."
        wick(none)"turn the wick down", i.e. avoid over-stressing the engine
        width(none)"[driver 1] leaves [driver 2] about a [driver 2's car]'s width" during an overtaking move, e.g. "Lewis leaves Webber about a Red Bull's width"
        window(none)"pit-stop window"
        zero(none)"zero to hero" (see also "hero to zero")
        zoneMartin Brundle"in the zone"

      2. Other punditry Incidents
        1. Martin corrects James
        2. someone excitedly reports that smoke from a car is a blown engine and then realises it was a wheel locking up
        3. reference to a driver living in Monaco
        4. mention of track or ambient temperature
        5. talk about getting a lift with a driver to or from the circuit
        6. failure to cope when a team radio transmission cuts in
        7. someone swears during a team radio transmission
        8. the result of the GP2 race is given away without warning
        9. talk of how the support races have lifted the F1 rubber off the track and/or put another kind of rubber down
        10. talk of how many times in the past the race has been won from pole position
        11. a commentator says, "Let's ride with [driver's name]" during an on-board shot, just as the director cuts away
        12. a commentator mentions that he was talking to a driver/team principal/star engineer/other famous person "yesterday" or "the other day" or "after qualifying"
        13. talk of how racing in the rain is like passing a lorry in the wet on a motorway
        14. talk of how Bridgestone intermediates have a very wide range/window of operation
        15. James Allen finds a way to mention Michael Schumacher
        16. Martin tells us how much better the view is from the camera above the cockpit than it is from inside the cockpit
        17. Martin tells us how you get feedback from the car "through your backside"
        18. At Spa, Martin mentions "the corner with no name", i.e. turn nine
        19. Martin tells us that if you get a corner wrong, you'll be slow all the way down the next straight
        20. a commentator mentions the number of gear changes in a lap
        21. talk of how a team will soon have to choose which driver to back for the championship
        22. talk of how the constructors' champions from the previous year have a nice, straight entry into the pit lane this year
        23. mention of the percentage of the lap that is either full-throttle or on the brakes
        24. a driver refers to his team-mate by his surname
        25. an interview with Pat Symonds by the team transporter, where he's obviously been having a quick fag at the back of the paddock
        26. a shot of Allen and Brundle in the commentary box
        27. someone in the crowd is seen waving to the person they're on the phone to
        28. a commentator tells us that "a Formula One car travels an awful long way in X seconds"
        29. a commentator tells us that an F1 car has "very little suspension travel"

    3. Action

      1. Qualifying
        1. all players incur a one-finger penalty for every minute completed before the first car comes out for each session
        2. a Force India or Super Aguri is first out on track in any session
        3. a "home" driver is first out in any session
        4. the session is stopped (red flag)
        5. there is a change in the driver on "provisional pole" in any session
        6. a Ferrari, McLaren or BMW fails to get through to the next session
        7. a Force India or Super Aguri does get through to the next session
        8. commentators discuss the teams getting the timing of their last lap just right to start it before the chequered flag

      2. The Gridwalk
        1. interview with Bernie Ecclestone
        2. interview with the pole-sitter
        3. interview with someone who clearly doesn't know what the fuck is going on
        4. someone refuses an interview
        5. mention of a driver going for a "comfort break"

      3. Pre-Race
        1. a driver has to have his engine changed
        2. a driver licks an earplug before inserting it
        3. a driver is sucking on a drinks bottle when we cut to him for an interview
        4. a driver pronounces "circuit" as "seer-quit", in the style of the late, great Aye-air-ton Senna
        5. a shot of the driver in the car in the garage with his eyes closed, as if asleep
        6. a shot of a driver cupping himself as he gets into the car
        7. when Mark Blundell first appears, his caption mentions some middling achievement from previous years, e.g. "Mark Blundell (finished 6th at Barcelona in 1994)"
        8. Christian Horner says "you know"
        9. while the FIA/FOM intro is playing, players must down as much beer as possible

      4. Formation Lap
        1. a car stalls on the grid, or is slow away so that it is overtaken
        2. commentators discuss whether wiggling the car warms up the tyres
        3. commentators discuss whether overtaking is allowed on the formation lap
        4. commentators discuss the effect on engine temperature if someone stalls

      5. In The Pits
        1. a team fucks up a pitstop
        2. a driver runs into or over one of his mechanics
        3. the fuel rig fails
        4. a driver drags one or more mechanics with him as he leaves his pit
        5. a driver stalls
        6. a driver removes a tear-off as he exits the pits, immediately after his visor has been cleaned
        7. after a pit-stop, a commentator tells us how "that worked out beautifully" for the driver concerned
        8. Ferrari's comedy pit lights go wrong, with hilarious consequences

      6. Racing Incidents (note: the race is on from the first red light going on until the winner climbs out of the car in parc fermé.)
        1. stall on the grid
        2. overtaking for position on the track after the first corner (either live on camera or, if the idiot local director missed it first time around, for the first replay - see the small print in s.4(iv))
        3. safety car goes out
        4. safety car comes in
        5. driver takes a stop/go penalty
        6. driver retires by driving straight into the garage
        7. a driver gets a lift back to the pits on a scooter
        8. team-mates collide
        9. a car rejoins the track after going seriously (all four wheels) off-road
        10. comment that gravel and/or mud will be spread over the track from the sidepods next time a recently off-roaded car brakes
        11. the producer focuses excessively on an under-performing home team or driver
        12. the drivers involved in an incident disagree about who was to blame
        13. the winner swerves over to the pitwall to acknowledge his team
        14. notification of a driver under investigation
        15. notification of result of investigation
        16. a race engineer says something really helpful, like "Push!" or "Try to get past [driver's name]/keep [driver's name] behind you" over the team radio
        17. talk of how hard it is to change a nosecone because you can't put the jack where you usually do
        18. a shot of cars doing some synchronised spinning off the track in the wet
        19. a commentator hands over to a pit-lane reporter using a phrase similar to "Louise has found Nico Rosberg" or "Ted Kravitz, what have you got?"

      7. Post-Race
        1. a trophy is presented by someone you've heard of
        2. a driver drops the champagne from the podium to his mechanics (take an extra penalty if the receiving mechanic drops the bottle)
        3. a driver or team is placed under investigation for an alleged breach of the rules
        4. a trailer for some other sporting event, usually one that is "live and exclusive on ITV"
        5. in the press conference, we see a shot of Felipe Massa's ENORMOUS watch
        6. in the press conference, one of the drivers not being interviewed is caught on camera picking his nose
        7. in the press conference, Kimi Raikkonen adjusts the position of his microphone

      8. Any Time During The Coverage
        1. a shot of Louise Goodman's armful of bangles
        2. cut to driver's wife or girlfriend
        3. a driver retires or has an irreparable crash
        4. a change in weather conditions
        5. inappropriate driver gesture captured in slow motion
        6. a spectator or non-motor-racing item (e.g. an umbrella or a dog) on the circuit
        7. during a shot of the crowd, someone realises they're on TV and starts waving and pointing at the screen (one penalty per shot of the crowd, not one penalty per person waving and pointing at the screen, obviously)
        8. a shot of Flavio Briatore's underarm sweat patches

    4. Advertisement Break

      1. before the break, commentators give positions down to 8th place (no more, no less)
      2. an advert for a car linked to an F1 team (Fiat, Ferrari, Mercedes, BMW, Renault, Honda, Toyota)
      3. an advert for Bridgestone tyres
      4. an advert featuring a current or past F1 driver
      5. an advert featuring F1 imagery
      6. an advert for a brand of alcoholic beverage being used by any of the players
      7. opening words after the break: "James Allen and Martin Brundle [or Mark Blundell/some other poor sap] with you", or simply "Lap X of the [race name] Grand Prix"

[1] This applies even in the absence of Murray from the commentary squad.
[2] Federation Internationale de l'Alcosport.