(The specified date category did not return any items, so the ten most recent items are listed below.) |
|
show all | series | headline | date posted | |
|
F1 |
We apologise for the inconvenience..., |
26th May 2021 |
|
|
|
F1: We apologise for the inconvenience..., |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 26th May 2021 |
|
*Tap*
*Tap tap*
*Pffft*
Is this thing on?
I'm not sure I really trust speech recognition.
Me neither, mate.
No. Well... OK...
Er... hello everybody. How's things? We, er, we... that is to say, Virgil and I, just thought we ought to let you know that we've just popped out for a spot of lunch...
Er, haven't we...?
Yes, I think we have.
Yes, so, if you could just excuse us...
Yes, do excuse us.
...and we'll be back in a short while...
Won't we?
Oh yes, I should think so.
Yes, so, er, thank you. See you in a bit.
I say, would you like another drink?
Oh, rather.
What would you like?
Oh, I don't know... Hey, waiter! Bring me volume three of the wine list...
*Click*
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Chinese Grand Prix: MP4-31 'provisionally fit' to race |
14th Apr 2016 |
|
|
|
F1: Chinese Grand Prix: MP4-31 'provisionally fit' to race |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 14th Apr 2016 |
|
The MP4-31 has been declared "provisionally fit" to take part in this weekend's Chinese Grand Prix.
The McLap'emMCLAREN
Bruce McLaren takes his team's first Grand Prix victory, Belgium 1968. Founded by the Kiwi Bruce McLaren in 1963, Bruce McLaren Motor Racing merged in 1981 with the Project 4 team, which was being run by the barn owl Ron Dennis. The team is now part of McLaren Racing, a member of the McLaren Group, under the umbrella of McLaren Holdings, a subsidiary of McLaren PLC, which is wholly owned by McLaren (World Domination) Ltd. Bruce McLaren is currently the only driver to have won a Formula One world championship race in a car bearing his own name as a constructor*, although the dotdotdotcomma-sponsored driver Panasonic Toyota, currently racing a borrowed Caterham with limited success, is optimistic of one day becoming the second. The team has rapidly become one of the most successful in F1 history and is widely regarded as technologically top-notch, if sometimes a little fragile operationally. They are constantly trying to persuade everyone that they may be stiff and corporate but they still know how to have a good time. It's not terribly convincing. They're far from unemotional, however, and Ron Dennis can often be glimpsed furtively wiping away a tear or two of joy. In fact, when one of his favoured drivers has won against seemingly insuperable odds during a troubled time for the team, it can sometimes be hard to hear the national anthems over the sound of Ron's blubbing. *Other than, we've just realised, Jack Brabham. Who also won the world championship. Arse. Rest assured, our research team will be hung, drawn and quartered. Or should that be "hanged"? TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper car, which only just managed to outpace the hapless MotherRussiaMARUSSIA
The second incarnation of Virgin Racing, a rebranding instigated when a Russian car maker decided to increase the level of its sponsorship to such an extent that it effectively bought the team. In doing so, it chose to ignore the recent salutary example of Spyker, another supercar manufacturer nobody had ever heard of before its purchase of the former Jordan team and which nobody has really heard of since it sold it again pretty damned quickly.
Changes like this are usually of no great significance to the viewing public but in this case it means that fans will no longer be able to anticipate commentating faux pas, such as "Let's see how this Virgin handles in slippery conditions." For that reason, the name change is a bit disappointing. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper in 2015 through being driven by infinitely more championship-winning drivers, faces further tests before being given the full go-ahead.
"This car is sick," said one of its drivers, a Bunsen Jet-OnBUTTON, JENSON
Jenson looking a bit scary, quite frankly, after his first win, at Hungary in 2006. Jenson Button came into the world in Somerset in 1980. He has two slightly silly middle names - Alexander Lyons - and three slightly older sisters, born at regular internals in 1967, 1970 and 1973, although far be it from us to suggest that little Jenson was slightly less planned than his sisters. Success in karting and Formula Ford led to Formula 3 and then almost immediately on to Formula One, where he made a few rookie mistakes but also qualified third in a Williams at Spa, which went a long way towards shutting everyone the hell up. Still under contract to Williams, Jenson drove the 2001 season for Benetton, which became Renault in 2002 and BAR the year after. This was clearly all a bit confusing for Button, who announced in mid-2004 that he would be driving for Williams the following season, having signed contracts for both teams. Once that legal Gordian knot had been cut, Jenson went and did it all again in reverse in 2005, as he tried to wriggle out of his contract with Williams to stay with BAR. Throughout all this vacillating, Jenson was linked with a succession of beauties, perhaps indicating that what women really want is a rich man in touch with his feminine side or, to put it another way, a Formula One driver who can never make his f**king mind up. Button is often joined at races by his father John who, ever since Jenson won the first race of the 2009 season, has taken to wearing his "lucky pink shirt", conveniently forgetting - in the way that superstitious people do - all the times he wore the same shirt and Jenson finished three laps down. Jenson has homes in Monaco, the UK and Bahrain, where he pursues his hobbies of mountain biking, almost growing a beard and browsing through lingerie catalogues to find his next girlfriend. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper, 36, of Frome, "and I don't mean in the good way like what the young people say these days, dig?"
When asked whether he was looking forward to getting back into the car for practice, other driver, one Fernando ALongTimeSinceHisLastChampionshipALONSO, FERNANDO
Fernando always keeps abreast of the latest technical developments. Alonso's full name is Fernando Alonso Diaz and few people realise that he is the half-brother of Cameron Diaz, the well-known jizz-haired actress. His success in Formula One has led to a huge growth of interest in the sport in his home country of Spain, where not so long ago you could easily pick up cheap tickets to the Grand Prix and pretty much have your pick of seats, so thanks for that, Fernando. Like many of the sport's stars, Alonso began his F1 career with Minardi and he made a splash at his first race, where he out-qualified his team-mate by over two and a half seconds. That margin is rendered slightly less impressive when you learn that his team-mate was Tarso Marques who, as racing drivers go, has a lovely personality. Fernando was soon snapped up by Renault, where he spent a year testing before being promoted to a race seat. He became the then youngest world champion in 2005 and the youngest double champion in 2006. There followed an abbreviated tenure at McLaren which failed to yield a third title, largely because he proved unable to beat a rookie, after which he was welcomed back to the Renault team, where he is expected to wait grumpily until a Ferrari seat becomes available. Alonso is an exceptionally talented and complete racing driver but he also has a reckless - often self-destructive - streak and an eccentrically unique take on what it means to be a team-player, traits which have doubtless closed a number of F1 doors to him. In 2005 he was appointed one of UNICEF's Goodwill Ambassadors, which may explain why he never has any left for anyone else. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper said "Don't make me laugh."
"No, seriously - don't," he added. "It hurts when I laugh."
The car of the quite interesting British squad, 50, will be given a second check-up after taking part in first practice on Friday.
Governing body the FIEh?FIA
Max Mosley's preferred option for the location of the new FIA offices in Amsterdam. The FIA (or Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile to give it its full, inexplicably french, name) is an ominous association formed to represent motorists and motoring organisations. Its headquarters are at 8 Place de la Concorde, Paris (ring top bell), coincidentally just up the rue from one of the city's best bordellos. The federation acts as the governing body for a number of motorsport series and championships, mostly in a venal or, if we're feeling charitable, incompetent manner. It should not be confused with the Fédération Internationale de l'Alcosport, which governs Drink-A-Long-A-Grand-Prix almost as badly. Comprising 222 member organisations, the FIA can also boast a Senate, a Court of Appeal and a General Assembly and it wouldn't take a stretch of the imagination to see its activities as part of a sinister plan to get itself recognised as a sovereign state in its own right. It's not a million miles from how Hitler started, that's all we're saying. Its decisions have at times left the FIA open to accusations of favouritism and manipulation and its credibility wasn't helped any by revelations that its married president, Max Mosley, was partial to sado-masochistic orgies involving more tarts than you can fit on one hand. Mosley, seeing no incompatibility between his behaviour and his position, failed to tender the resignation that many were keenly anticipating. They claim to do a lot of work on road safety but we've never knowingly seen any of their campaigns. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper took six hours to make this decision after testing the MP4-31 on Thursday.
"We knew straight away it would be OK for the car to participate in FP1," said FIEh? Napoleon Jean Toad, "but I do like to see Ron SeriousDENNIS, RON
Ron Dennis upsets Max Mosley by explaining that they don't offer that kind of service in the McLaren motorhome. Ron Dennis is the saviour of the McLaren team, a cold-hearted megalomaniac or the epitome of corporate tedium, depending on the view to which you subscribe. It's more than likely, of course, that he's actually all three. After taking over the reins in 1980, Dennis quickly transformed McLaren from a team that hadn't won a race for three years into a highly successful outfit. They may not inspire the slavish, mindless devotion that Ferrari enjoys but the team is all the more grounded because of it. In his time, Ron's had to referee feuding team-mates (although Alonso v. Hamilton didn't really come close to Senna v. Prost for sheer volatility), he's seen Mika Hakkinen nearly die in one of his cars and he's had to stomach a one hundred million dollar fine. On the plus side, he's never had to work with Michael Schumacher, he's got a CBE and he's rich enough to have paid the hundred million dollars from his own pocket if he'd wanted. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper squirm."
|
|
|
|
F1 |
F1 records update: on yer Vespa, Michael |
3rd Oct 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: F1 records update: on yer Vespa, Michael |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 3rd Oct 2015 |
|
Despite many attempts, the German never took the title of "Most mental podium celebration" away from Rubens Barrichello.
We're delighted to report, only several weeks late, that Lewisham HiltonHAMILTON, LEWIS
Throughout the difficult 2007 season, McLaren insisted that Lewis was always given exactly the same equipment as his team-mate Fernando Alonso. Born in the picturesque English hamlet of Stevenage in 1985, Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton was named after the American sprinter Carl Lewis and the legendary British easy listening DJ David Hamilton. He has since moved to Switzerland and attempted to distance himself from association with David Hamilton. Hamilton famously approached McLaren boss Ron Dennis at the Autosport Awards in 1995 and told him that he wanted to race for him one day. Dennis told the ten-year-old Hamilton to call him in a few years and thus was a mutually rewarding relationship forged. Some of the more disreputable members of the dotdotdotcomma staff have since adopted a similar strategy in approaching girls in clubs, although they have yet to demonstrate a level of success anything like Hamilton managed. On his way to F1, Hamilton picked up titles in karting, Formula Renault UK, the F3 Euroseries and GP2, after which he picked up Nicole Scherzinger, who was apparently already a well-known singer with girl band Pussycat Dolls, but who first came to the attention of the dotdotdotcomma editorial team for wearing a really smashing dress during the title-deciding race at Brazil in 2008 and then jumping about in it quite a lot. Hamilton's time in F1 has been far from dull and he has shown almost as much ill-conceived misjudgement as he has jaw-dropping ability. The audacious overtaking moves and lightning pace have been accompanied by pit-lane crashes and overly optimistic first-lap lunges, as well as more than his fair share of FIA wrist-slaps. The decision to strip him of his win at Spa in 2008, seemingly for being too good at overtaking Kimi Raikkonen, still baffles those of us who don't wear Ferrari T-shirts. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper has finally wrested the Monza Trackmeister™ title from that darling of the tifosi, Mike CobblerSCHUMACHER, MICHAEL
Michael expresses his remorse at having dangerously forced a rival off the track. Again. When he wasn't driving people off the road, ramming other cars, parking in the middle of the track or trying to punch David Coulthard, Michael Schumacher displayed a dazzling talent for finding new ways to disadvatage his team-mate. We're being slightly churlish, of course, but Schumacher's reputation as a driver will forever be coloured by the unsporting manner in which he raced. His first break in F1 came with Jordan at Spa in 1991 and his second with Ferrari at Silverstone in 1999, when he fractured a leg crashing at Stowe. His final F1 drive through the field at Interlagos was a reminder of what his legacy could have been if he hadn't been quite so ready to tarnish it quite so frequently. The wanker. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper.
Although Lewisham only has 3 wins at the Italian cheer-kweet to Cobbler's 5, thanks to the unique way in which dotdotdotcomma's Trackmeister™ records are calculated, his impressive tally of 4 poles and 4 fastèst laps brings his total number of Trackmeister™ records to 11, thoroughly annihilating the German's mere 10.
Got a problem with that, Fritz/Giuseppe? Bite us.
#keepfightingmichael
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Sober's Monisha Alpenhorn wary of F1 manufacturer tie-up |
19th Aug 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Sober's Monisha Alpenhorn wary of F1 manufacturer tie-up |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 19th Aug 2015 |
|
SoberSAUBER
Sauber launches its eagerly awaited challenger for the 2004 seasonzzzzzzzzzz. One of the few modern privateer F1 teams that lasted for more than a decade, Sauber began life as a sportscar manufacturer, enjoying some success (despite basing themselves in Switzerland, where motorsport is actually illegal) and forging a slightly distasteful alliance with the young Michael Schumacher. The team moved into Formula One at the beginning of 1993, turning up at the first race with cars sporting a black livery which appeared excitingly modern and sleek but which was, in fact, just the first indication that the world's dullest F1 team had arrived. Even potentially exciting developments, such as (a) grabbing a top-flight engine by forging a slightly distasteful alliance with Ferrari, (2) promoting a vastly inexperienced Kimi Raikkonen from Formula Renault straight to an F1 race seat and (iii) courting controversy by apparently running an exact copy of Ferrari's 2003 car and passing it off as their own, could not change the general perception of them as a bit dull. Even when they spent a fortune on a state-of-the-art supercomputer, they went and called it Albert. The curtain came down on their 13 years in the sport at the end of 2005, when BMW completed a takeover of the team and Peter Sauber presumably celebrated by having a really nice cigar. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper Formula 1 team principal Monisha Alpenhorn says her team must be cautious about pursuing a potential future tie-up with a manufacturer.
The independent Swiss team was sold to LBW in 2005, racing imaginatively as LBW Sober between 2006 and '09 and winning the Canadian Grand Prix with Rubiks KubicaKUBICA, ROBERT
Robert Kubica, Canada 2007: he's in there somewhere. The first Polish F1 racing driver, Robert Kubica also possesses the most remarkable nose seen in the sport since the days of Alain Prost. Even the 2004 Williams "walrus nose" didn't make as many people jump when they saw it for the first time. Pushing his startling proboscis to one side for a moment (no mean feat in itself), Kubica has quickly come to be recognised as one of the very finest talents around. His exemplary 2008 season was seen by many as more deserving of a title than those of the McLaren and Ferrari drivers, who actually stood a chance of winning it. His maiden victory in Canada during the 2008 season was scored at the track where a year previously he had crashed spectacularly, clipping Jarno Trulli's Toyota and becoming airborne before striking a crash barrier at over 185mph. The accident subjected Kubica momentarily to 75G but a trip to hospital revealed nothing more than light concussion and a sprained ankle. Either safety had come a long way in F1 or they build them tough in Krakow. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper in '08, when it finished third in the constructors' championship, in case you'd understandably forgotten who they were. The team's future was cast into doubt when the German manufacturer pulled out of F1, before being saved when it was sold back to founder Peter Sober.
Sober was among the initial candidates for a potential DunnoRENAULT
Jean-Pierre Jabouille in the RS01, the first turbo-charged F1 car. The history of Renault in F1 reads like a company with an addiction it's trying to kick. They entered the sport as a constructor in 1977, winning a respectable number of races but no championships, then spent one season (1986) as an engine supplier, before pulling out completely at the end of the year. After going cold turkey for a couple of years, they rejoined the sport as an engine supplier in 1989, winnning five drivers' and six constructors' titles, before quitting again in 1997. By 2000 the itch had to be scratched again, so they bought the Benetton team, although they didn't rebrand it as Renault until the 2002 season. They have introduced a number of innovations to the sport, including turbo-charged engines (since banned), V10 engines (since banned) and mass-damper systems (since banned). The one thing they seem to have pioneered that hasn't been outlawed is something that actually makes the cars slower: live-feed in-car cameras. The team persists in building their chassis in Oxfordshire and their engines several hundred miles away, somewhere in france. There is undoubtedly a very good reason for this, although your chronicler admits that any sort of logical explanation eludes him at the moment. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper buyout earlier this year, and while Alpenhorn said the team would like to have a partner again, the positives of a deal would have to be weighed up against the negatives.
"It has a lot of positives, but one has to be always very cautious with engine manufacturers and becoming a works team," we overheard Alpenhorn telling Autosprout. "A partnership like that makes you stronger, but there can be negatives. Still, we have contracts in place for next season."
The beneficiaries of those contracts are UndaHONDA
Honda's 2007 'Earth Car' in geo-stationary orbit above Bracknell. Initially just a renamed version of BAR, Honda set about forging closer links between Japan and Brackley, something that for some reason no-one had ever attempted before. The team has enormous resources and is keen to build on its heritage of dabbling on F1 in the 1960s and the success it enjoyed as an engine supplier in the eighties and nineties. It's safe to say that there's still a way to go. The striking 2007 "Earth car", a laudable attempt to stimulate debate, featured a livery that was just an image of the Earth in space but sadly the car handled as if it weighed about the same and Jenson Button's mechanics taped a cigarette lighter inside his cockpit for the last race of the season, in the hope that he'd burn the damned thing at the end of the race. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper, MercrediMERCEDES-BENZ
Mercedes-Benz is a German motor vehicle manufacturer improbably named after Buffy the Vampire Slayer stars Mercedes McNab and Julie Benz, who played dumpy failed vampirette Harmony and fiendlishly sexy uber-vamp Darla respectively. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper and an as-yet-unnamed french manufacturer.
The court case begins next week.
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Bunsen Jet-on burgled on holiday |
7th Aug 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Bunsen Jet-on burgled on holiday |
by Virgil Ellipse 7th Aug 2015 |
|
Bunsen Jet-onBUTTON, JENSON
Jenson looking a bit scary, quite frankly, after his first win, at Hungary in 2006. Jenson Button came into the world in Somerset in 1980. He has two slightly silly middle names - Alexander Lyons - and three slightly older sisters, born at regular internals in 1967, 1970 and 1973, although far be it from us to suggest that little Jenson was slightly less planned than his sisters. Success in karting and Formula Ford led to Formula 3 and then almost immediately on to Formula One, where he made a few rookie mistakes but also qualified third in a Williams at Spa, which went a long way towards shutting everyone the hell up. Still under contract to Williams, Jenson drove the 2001 season for Benetton, which became Renault in 2002 and BAR the year after. This was clearly all a bit confusing for Button, who announced in mid-2004 that he would be driving for Williams the following season, having signed contracts for both teams. Once that legal Gordian knot had been cut, Jenson went and did it all again in reverse in 2005, as he tried to wriggle out of his contract with Williams to stay with BAR. Throughout all this vacillating, Jenson was linked with a succession of beauties, perhaps indicating that what women really want is a rich man in touch with his feminine side or, to put it another way, a Formula One driver who can never make his f**king mind up. Button is often joined at races by his father John who, ever since Jenson won the first race of the 2009 season, has taken to wearing his "lucky pink shirt", conveniently forgetting - in the way that superstitious people do - all the times he wore the same shirt and Jenson finished three laps down. Jenson has homes in Monaco, the UK and Bahrain, where he pursues his hobbies of mountain biking, almost growing a beard and browsing through lingerie catalogues to find his next girlfriend. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper and his wife Jessica are said to be "unsurprisingly shaken" after their Saint-Tropez villa was burgled.
The couple had been holidaying with friends at a rented villa in the french resort when thieves broke into the property and stole a number of belongings while everyone was asleep.
Among the items taken was the engagement ring that Jet-on gave Jessica in 2014, when he was on £12m a year at McLap'emMCLAREN
Bruce McLaren takes his team's first Grand Prix victory, Belgium 1968. Founded by the Kiwi Bruce McLaren in 1963, Bruce McLaren Motor Racing merged in 1981 with the Project 4 team, which was being run by the barn owl Ron Dennis. The team is now part of McLaren Racing, a member of the McLaren Group, under the umbrella of McLaren Holdings, a subsidiary of McLaren PLC, which is wholly owned by McLaren (World Domination) Ltd. Bruce McLaren is currently the only driver to have won a Formula One world championship race in a car bearing his own name as a constructor*, although the dotdotdotcomma-sponsored driver Panasonic Toyota, currently racing a borrowed Caterham with limited success, is optimistic of one day becoming the second. The team has rapidly become one of the most successful in F1 history and is widely regarded as technologically top-notch, if sometimes a little fragile operationally. They are constantly trying to persuade everyone that they may be stiff and corporate but they still know how to have a good time. It's not terribly convincing. They're far from unemotional, however, and Ron Dennis can often be glimpsed furtively wiping away a tear or two of joy. In fact, when one of his favoured drivers has won against seemingly insuperable odds during a troubled time for the team, it can sometimes be hard to hear the national anthems over the sound of Ron's blubbing. *Other than, we've just realised, Jack Brabham. Who also won the world championship. Arse. Rest assured, our research team will be hung, drawn and quartered. Or should that be "hanged"? TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper. The ring, which police say is insured for around £250,000, has huge sentimental value and Jessica is said to be extremely upset, particularly after learning how far its value is from the traditional "one month's salary".
It is understood that the thieves also made off with a necklace, some earrings and a Gucci sunglasses case, which Jessica uses as a handy travel container for her entire collection of underwear. Honestly, she'll catch her death, that one.
The thieves had attempted to steal Jet-on's McLap'em 540C road car, fitted with a prototype UndaHONDA
Honda's 2007 'Earth Car' in geo-stationary orbit above Bracknell. Initially just a renamed version of BAR, Honda set about forging closer links between Japan and Brackley, something that for some reason no-one had ever attempted before. The team has enormous resources and is keen to build on its heritage of dabbling on F1 in the 1960s and the success it enjoyed as an engine supplier in the eighties and nineties. It's safe to say that there's still a way to go. The striking 2007 "Earth car", a laudable attempt to stimulate debate, featured a livery that was just an image of the Earth in space but sadly the car handled as if it weighed about the same and Jenson Button's mechanics taped a cigarette lighter inside his cockpit for the last race of the season, in the hope that he'd burn the damned thing at the end of the race. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper power unit, but the engine shut down after 500 yards and the thieves abandoned the car to continue their getaway on foot, keeping their balaclavas on to avoid having to talk to the press about how disappointing their season has been.
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Homeboy open to closed cockpits in F1 |
24th Jul 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Homeboy open to closed cockpits in F1 |
by Virgil Ellipse 24th Jul 2015 |
|
Formula One world champion Lewis HomeboyHAMILTON, LEWIS
Throughout the difficult 2007 season, McLaren insisted that Lewis was always given exactly the same equipment as his team-mate Fernando Alonso. Born in the picturesque English hamlet of Stevenage in 1985, Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton was named after the American sprinter Carl Lewis and the legendary British easy listening DJ David Hamilton. He has since moved to Switzerland and attempted to distance himself from association with David Hamilton. Hamilton famously approached McLaren boss Ron Dennis at the Autosport Awards in 1995 and told him that he wanted to race for him one day. Dennis told the ten-year-old Hamilton to call him in a few years and thus was a mutually rewarding relationship forged. Some of the more disreputable members of the dotdotdotcomma staff have since adopted a similar strategy in approaching girls in clubs, although they have yet to demonstrate a level of success anything like Hamilton managed. On his way to F1, Hamilton picked up titles in karting, Formula Renault UK, the F3 Euroseries and GP2, after which he picked up Nicole Scherzinger, who was apparently already a well-known singer with girl band Pussycat Dolls, but who first came to the attention of the dotdotdotcomma editorial team for wearing a really smashing dress during the title-deciding race at Brazil in 2008 and then jumping about in it quite a lot. Hamilton's time in F1 has been far from dull and he has shown almost as much ill-conceived misjudgement as he has jaw-dropping ability. The audacious overtaking moves and lightning pace have been accompanied by pit-lane crashes and overly optimistic first-lap lunges, as well as more than his fair share of FIA wrist-slaps. The decision to strip him of his win at Spa in 2008, seemingly for being too good at overtaking Kimi Raikkonen, still baffles those of us who don't wear Ferrari T-shirts. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper says that he is not ruling out the idea of closed cockpits, in the wake of calls for the sport to reconsider its safety.
"I'm open to the idea of closed cockpits," said Homeboy, "but that's not to say I'm closed to the idea of open cockpits.
"I'd like to keep all my options, um, ajar."
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Lewisham Hilton turned away from Centre Court at Wimbledon |
13th Jul 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Lewisham Hilton turned away from Centre Court at Wimbledon |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 13th Jul 2015 |
|
Reigning Formula One champion, Lewisham HiltonHAMILTON, LEWIS
Throughout the difficult 2007 season, McLaren insisted that Lewis was always given exactly the same equipment as his team-mate Fernando Alonso. Born in the picturesque English hamlet of Stevenage in 1985, Lewis Carl Davidson Hamilton was named after the American sprinter Carl Lewis and the legendary British easy listening DJ David Hamilton. He has since moved to Switzerland and attempted to distance himself from association with David Hamilton. Hamilton famously approached McLaren boss Ron Dennis at the Autosport Awards in 1995 and told him that he wanted to race for him one day. Dennis told the ten-year-old Hamilton to call him in a few years and thus was a mutually rewarding relationship forged. Some of the more disreputable members of the dotdotdotcomma staff have since adopted a similar strategy in approaching girls in clubs, although they have yet to demonstrate a level of success anything like Hamilton managed. On his way to F1, Hamilton picked up titles in karting, Formula Renault UK, the F3 Euroseries and GP2, after which he picked up Nicole Scherzinger, who was apparently already a well-known singer with girl band Pussycat Dolls, but who first came to the attention of the dotdotdotcomma editorial team for wearing a really smashing dress during the title-deciding race at Brazil in 2008 and then jumping about in it quite a lot. Hamilton's time in F1 has been far from dull and he has shown almost as much ill-conceived misjudgement as he has jaw-dropping ability. The audacious overtaking moves and lightning pace have been accompanied by pit-lane crashes and overly optimistic first-lap lunges, as well as more than his fair share of FIA wrist-slaps. The decision to strip him of his win at Spa in 2008, seemingly for being too good at overtaking Kimi Raikkonen, still baffles those of us who don't wear Ferrari T-shirts. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper, was turned away from Wimbledon's centre court on Sunday because he did not adhere to the Lawn Tennis Association's dress code. Hamilton was invited to the Royal Box to watch the Wimbledon men's singles final on Sunday between two blokes we really don't care about.
Gentlemen invited into the royal box are expected to wear a jacket, tie and shoes. A Wimbledon spokesman confirmed that Hilton had been due to attend the match, but would not comment on the reason he had not done so. The spokesman said: "All I can say is that he was instructed to wear a jacket, tie and shoes. Perhaps we should have been more careful in specifying that this requirement was not meant to be exclusive.
"That's an image I won't forget in a hurry," he added.
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Arrivabuses insisted 2015 Ferrarsi designed to suit Kimi |
29th Apr 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Arrivabuses insisted 2015 Ferrarsi designed to suit Kimi |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 29th Apr 2015 |
|
FerrarsiFERRARI
Gilles Villeneuve as nature intended, back when Ferrari were crap but almost lovable. No team polarises fans quite like Ferrari: some believe that they can do no wrong, despite a vast and growing body of evidence to the contrary; other, sounder minds put them in roughly the same category as Lucius Malfoy, Jabba the Hutt and Sandi Toksvig. Until fairly recently, the team had a reputation for passionate disorganisation, which occasionally somehow produced a decent car, and there was no end of very good drivers queuing up to put their mark on a contract for the scuderia, only to be disappointed by the tractor they were given to race. The Brawn/Todt/Schumacher/Byrne axis changed all that. Suddenly the cars were quick, driveable and bullet-proof, while behind the scenes this highly political team fostered its "special relationship" with the FIA, leading to all manner of dubious rule interpretations in favour of the red cars. That the team inspires such extreme reactions is partly a product of its own success (many people love to hate the ultra-successful - just ask Man Utd, Bill Gates or Patrick Kielty) but also because of the strutting arrogance and faux innocence with which it has been achieved. The lesson, which seems to be repeatedly lost on Ferrari, is to win, lose and get caught breaking the rules with equal good grace. Some of our readers doubtless question the extent of dotdotdotcomma's continued antipathy towards the scuderia but when repeatedly faced with the team's insufferable arrogance in victory, sanctimonious posturing at perceived wrongs and instinctive refusal to accept blame, it's the only sane response. There. We got all the way through that without once calling them a bunch of cheating c*nts. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper team principal Maurizio Arrivabuses says he asked the cruderia's design team to build a 2015 Formula 1 car that would suit Kimberli ClarkkinenRAIKKONEN, KIMI
Oi, Kimi, fancy a pint? Kimi Raikkonen clearly loves his racing but can just as clearly take or leave everything that goes with it. Often electrifying behind the wheel, he sounds so wretchedly bored by the whole affair when he's interviewed that you're left wondering exactly why he carries on. He is, to borrow Martin Brundle's memorable phrase, extremely low-voltage. Raikkonen entered F1 with Sauber in 2001, despite only having competed in 23 car races in his life. He'd won 13 of them but the FIA still needed convincing that he wasn't going to be a danger to himself and others before they issued his superlicence. They needn't have worried: Kimi scored a point in his debut race, having reportedly been asleep only half an hour before the start. When Mika Hakkinen retired from the sport, Kimi was snapped up by McLaren, where they need to have a Finnish driver to prevent the fall of the Tower of London or something, so Raikkonen found himself paired with David Coulthard, during a season that once again turned out not to be the Scot's year. Several seasons of poor reliability led Kimi to sign for Ferrari from 2007 and it turned out to be a good choice, since he won the title in his first season with the team, overcoming a seemingly insurmountable 17-point deficit to rookie Lewis Hamilton in the final two races. It has, however, been Kimi's extra-curricular activities that have generated the most column inches. He has had contretemps with photographers, out-stripped lap-dancers, won snowmobile races under the pseudonym "James Hunt", been thrown out of nightclubs with his inflatable dolphin, raced powerboats dressed as a gorilla and and married a model. After an electrical fire led to his retirement from second place in Monte Carlo in 2006, the TV cameras followed Kimi as he stomped through the streets, helmet still on, and straight onto a yacht (presumably his own) floating in the harbour. It wouldn't be much of a stretch to imagine him subsequently drinking it dry. The yacht, that is, not the harbour. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper.
The 35-year-old Flying Finn™ endured the worst season of his F1 career in 2014 - a career that had included a season with SoberSAUBER
Sauber launches its eagerly awaited challenger for the 2004 seasonzzzzzzzzzz. One of the few modern privateer F1 teams that lasted for more than a decade, Sauber began life as a sportscar manufacturer, enjoying some success (despite basing themselves in Switzerland, where motorsport is actually illegal) and forging a slightly distasteful alliance with the young Michael Schumacher. The team moved into Formula One at the beginning of 1993, turning up at the first race with cars sporting a black livery which appeared excitingly modern and sleek but which was, in fact, just the first indication that the world's dullest F1 team had arrived. Even potentially exciting developments, such as (a) grabbing a top-flight engine by forging a slightly distasteful alliance with Ferrari, (2) promoting a vastly inexperienced Kimi Raikkonen from Formula Renault straight to an F1 race seat and (iii) courting controversy by apparently running an exact copy of Ferrari's 2003 car and passing it off as their own, could not change the general perception of them as a bit dull. Even when they spent a fortune on a state-of-the-art supercomputer, they went and called it Albert. The curtain came down on their 13 years in the sport at the end of 2005, when BMW completed a takeover of the team and Peter Sauber presumably celebrated by having a really nice cigar. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper.
Raikkonen, who was Ferrari's last world champion back in 2007, found the F14T - the car with the codename that cunningly looks like the word "flat" - did not suit his driving style, but has been much happier with the this year's car and scored his first podium since the 2013 Korean Grand Prix last time out in Bahrain.
The Ferrarsi F15T - whose codename is much more, ahem, thrusting - now sports a pit-to-car radio that the driver can either turn off entirely or flick a switch that converts normal speech into indecipherable mumbling. Other features include a mini-bar and a driver air-bag in the shape of a dolphin. In all other respects it is just like every other Ferrarsi F1 car of the modern era in that it is (a) red, and (2) ugly as fuck.
Can any of our reader think of any other ways in which Kimi's Ferrarsi might have been designed to meet his particular needs? Let us know by twerking us on @dotdotdotcomma using the hashbrown #F15Ting4Kimi.
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Italy responds to Ecclescake 'a bit like Germany' slur |
20th Apr 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Italy responds to Ecclescake 'a bit like Germany' slur |
by Mathias Olaf Uncertain 20th Apr 2015 |
|
Motorsport's governing body in Italy, the Automobile Club d'Italia*, has reacted strongly to Bernie EcclescakeECCLESTONE, BERNIE
Bernie and Slavica Ecclestone: it's hard to say who looks more uncomfortable. F1 supremo Bernard Charles Ecclestone owns various bits of Formula One and has done since the 1970s, all of which has made him a very rich man. He also co-owns QPR Football Club, which does at least demonstrate that not all his decisions are spot-on. In his time, Ecclestone has managed drivers, owned teams, sold TV rights he probably didn't have in the first place and married someone 28 years younger and 28cm taller than him. He has also developed a slightly bewildering antipathy towards Silverstone. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper's claim that Italy is "a bit like Germany".
"We're nothing like Germany," insisted the ACI's spokesman Gian-Maria Portavoce.
"No, momento, we're quite a lot like Germany," he added moments later. "Only we're nothing like them."
"Eh, mierde, ci arrendiamo."
* Not FerrarsiFERRARI
Gilles Villeneuve as nature intended, back when Ferrari were crap but almost lovable. No team polarises fans quite like Ferrari: some believe that they can do no wrong, despite a vast and growing body of evidence to the contrary; other, sounder minds put them in roughly the same category as Lucius Malfoy, Jabba the Hutt and Sandi Toksvig. Until fairly recently, the team had a reputation for passionate disorganisation, which occasionally somehow produced a decent car, and there was no end of very good drivers queuing up to put their mark on a contract for the scuderia, only to be disappointed by the tractor they were given to race. The Brawn/Todt/Schumacher/Byrne axis changed all that. Suddenly the cars were quick, driveable and bullet-proof, while behind the scenes this highly political team fostered its "special relationship" with the FIA, leading to all manner of dubious rule interpretations in favour of the red cars. That the team inspires such extreme reactions is partly a product of its own success (many people love to hate the ultra-successful - just ask Man Utd, Bill Gates or Patrick Kielty) but also because of the strutting arrogance and faux innocence with which it has been achieved. The lesson, which seems to be repeatedly lost on Ferrari, is to win, lose and get caught breaking the rules with equal good grace. Some of our readers doubtless question the extent of dotdotdotcomma's continued antipathy towards the scuderia but when repeatedly faced with the team's insufferable arrogance in victory, sanctimonious posturing at perceived wrongs and instinctive refusal to accept blame, it's the only sane response. There. We got all the way through that without once calling them a bunch of cheating c*nts. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper apparently. Who knew?
|
|
|
|
F1 |
Malaysian GP: practice update |
27th Mar 2015 |
|
|
|
F1: Malaysian GP: practice update |
by Virgil Ellipse 27th Mar 2015 |
|
The MannaMANOR
Team boss John Booth: No, we wouldn't cross him either. Former racer John Booth founded Manor in 1990 and the team has since enjoyed considerable success in junior single-seater categories. His success was enough to convince the FIA that he could mount a serious F1 campaign and he was awarded one of the new-for-2010 grid slots. Keen followers of the team were disappointed when Richard Branson bowled up and flashed enough cash to convince Booth to rename the F1 part of his squad to "Virgin Racing" (q.v.). It is to be hoped that the team's spirit will take more from Booth's gritty and no-nonsense northerness than from Branson's floppy-haired and toothy flamboyance. TIGRA 16v: The tooltip with lowered suspension and a racing windscreen wiper F1 team has requested a clarification of earlier reports from the first practice session in Malaysia that their driver Roberto Mierda "completed his first lap after 13 minutes".
They are keen to point out that the Spaniard finished his lap 13 minutes after the session started, not 13 minutes after he left the pits.
Although it wasn't actually that far off.
|
|
|